Lists: Undateable Men

 I wasn’t even aware that this list existed until I added someone to it the other night. Although detailed (enough), this list does not include the obvious exclusions to include: gay men (gayness is determined at my discretion), mean/women-beaters, the stinky, dirty, uncouth, loud, and/or ghetto.

1. Military guys. This is the latest addition to the list and comes as a shocker to even myself. It has just been my experience that guys in the military are usually not so bright, don’t have great conversation, and try their best to maintain their street mentality when in civilian clothes, which is ironically the main reason they usually enlist—-to get out of the hood. On the bright side, you know that a man in uniform always has a secure job with good pay. And they’re always well-traveled.

2. Mom’s friend’s kids. Usually the men that my mom tries to hook me up with are corny and the exact opposite of what I’m looking for. This is even more true when it comes to her co-worker’s/church people’s/friend’s kids. You can bet that they’re usually very intelligent, and polite enough to woo the heart of mom. They’re also usually not that great looking, inexperienced or underexperienced in the bedroom, and way too uptight. Thanks mom, but I’ve got this under control.

3. Guys with kids. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a man having children, and in 2009, it’s pretty common. I love kids. I neither judge these men, nor think any less of them. I just don’t date them. It’s just a much more pleasant ride when there isn’t another woman that is guaranteed to be involved, whether its a drama-filled situation or not. There’s no getting around the fact that there is a woman who absolutely has her say, and in some case even dictates a portion of this man’s life. In many cases, the child’s mother isn’t even a bitch, and it’s not a messy situation. But in some cases, it is. Thanks doll, but I’ll pass.

4. Men that haven’t been locked up at some point. Ok, ok, I know how this sounds. This isn’t so much of a preference as it is a coincidence that turned into an occassional bonus. It’s not about them having a “bad boy” image that most naiive women are attracted to at all. A man that’s been to jail (I’ll let juvie slide) is usually much more protective and assertive than a man who hasn’t. What woman doesn’t want a man she can feel safe with? Now when I say jail, I’m not talking about the ones that have done time for rape, murder, or anything like that. You know, maybe a misdemeanor or two. Fighting, Posession (without intent to distribute), Petty theft, stuff like that. Don’t need a Mike Tyson or Shuge Knight.

5. Fat men (includes former fat men). Aside from the fact that I don’t like to feel anyone’s stomach pressed up against me, I think fat people are (usually) lazy and don’t care much about their appearance. I included former fat people for another reason. I refuse to eat at the same table where a fat person (or former fat person) is eating. Rude? Maybe. But that shit is disgusting to me. If I have to watch and/or listen to a fat person eat, I will surely lose it. They have a hard time breathing as it is without shoveling mountains of food into their mouths. So what do they do? Breathe even harder, chew with their mouths open, suck their teeth, and lick their chubby fingers. Eww.

6. Mama’s boys. This should be obvious. Men who respect their mothers and look to them for advice on life’s challenges recognize that maybe they haven’t quite figured the world out and require some guidance. Cool. Men who let their mothers dictate how their lives are run are weak. (See # 13) Often enough, the mothers are attempting to control the lives of their sons. For example, my ex longs for his mother like a fat kid longs for sugar. That shit is disgusting. Too many times when we were together I wanted to tell him to, “Wipe your mouth and get off the tit.” But of course, that’s not very nice to say. I just can’t see myself with a man who will not stand up to be a man.

7. Guys that don’t know God. My relationship with God is the foundation for how I strive to live my life today, and how I will make decisions tomorrow. If my companion is not on the same flight, I’m going to have to leave him behind at the layover point, because we’re not traveling to the same destination. Period.

8. Men 5’9″ or shorter. I’m 5’10” in flat shoes, and 6’2″ when I wear most of my heels. I don’t think any less of a man shorter than I, its just something that I will be constantly reminded of, which can easily take my focus off of more important things.

9. Men who wear shades indoors and/or wear long chains. Now I’m only a product of 1985, but I believe there was a term frequently used to describe such people. Posers. In my opinion, those lacking celeb status who wear shades indoors with over-sized chains are looking to be accepted. This also means they’re looking for attention. Which ultimately means they have a low self-image and/or low self-esteem. I’m no life coach.

10. Jobless (blue collar is ok with me). I thought twice before posting this one, but it is absolutely a requirement. Does it make me a gold-digger to want someone bringing something (no matter how small) to the table? Absolutely not. I’m not looking for a sponsor, but someone who can pick up the tab here and there is a plus.

11. Men without a car. A car is not a requirement for shallow reasoning. A car is a requirement because I’ve experienced having to drive everywhere, and frankly, I’d rather not. Out of town, dinner, the grocery store, the furniture store, late night, last minute, after public transportation has stopped running, too cold, too hot, too sick, too tired. All occassions in which a car is required, and thus, I have been forced to provide transportation. Happen not gonna.

12. Men with hair longer than mine. Men with long hair are high maintenance and are always usually self-absorbed. Delilah wasn’t havin that shit, and I’m not either.

13. SOFT MEN. This is a biggie. A woman like me will talk crazy to, dominate, and walk all over a man if he lets me. It works long enough to get what I need out of the situation, but it can’t last. I need to feel safe with the man I’m with. I need to feel like he will take control when it’s required, and let me be a woman, soft and feminine. There is nothing more unattractive to me than a man with no backbone. Especially a short, fat one.

14. Non-Black men. Not a prejudice, but a preference. We are naturally attracted to people similar to ourselves and what we know. I know Black people. There’s a shared history, culture, outlook, and experience with someone that looks like you. And Black men just happen to be the sexiest men alive.

15. Men who don’t like dogs, or more specifically, men who don’t like my dog. My dog is the man of my house. If you can’t get with it, we have nothing more to talk about. I will not lock him up or hold him back as you tremble and trip over furniture. This is now and will always be his house, and you are a mere visitor.

16. Men that don’t dress well. There’s nothing sexier than a man who knows how to hang a suit. A clean-cut, polished man who can coordinate his clothes to look not only presentable, but sharp is ok in my book. Long gone are the days where the men that I date wear pants that hang too low, shirts that are too big, and clothes that require a fresh press. I take pride in my appearance. So does my man.

17. Men without a sense of humor and intellect. These two personality traits are critical. Someone who is informed, a free-thinker, open to perspective and criticism is someone who I can learn from and grow with, and will add value to my life. Someone who can make me laugh will never fail.

18. Men who take pictures of themselves in the bathroom mirror. This really should be in the top 5. I wish I could be there to see these men taking 30 pictures of various poses, shades on and all, and then sorting through to delete the less than star-quality flicks…….all on their camera-phone. WTF? Please get someone to take your picture, use a webcam, or use the auto/delay feature on your digital camera. When I’m doing my facebook/myspace background check, I do not want to see you holding your camera in the mirror with your eyes focused on the wrong image. Lame.

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    • slimgoody05
    • October 16th, 2009

    Wow….I think you cover just about every guy. Good list.

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