Club Chronicles: Niggas vs Bobby

No explanation required. Read on.

1. I’m trying to be nice but you’re about to make me strong-arm you to the other side of the dance floor. Sir, my friend obviously doesn’t want to dance with you, so maybe you should stop trying. I understand how you might think I’m blocking, but that’s only because you can’t see the “get this fool away from me” face she’s making. No, no. I don’t want to dance with you either. No, no. Neither does she. We’re fine, sir. Thanks. No, no, I said we’re fine, thank you. Are you following us?! No, no. We’re just going to dance with each other, we really don’t want you to join in.

2. WHOA, WHOA WHOA!!!!!! Hold up, pal! Did you just put yourself in the middle of our all-girls circle?! What were you thinking?! Stepping into the middle of our dance circle is like taking your cousin to the prom—–good in theory, terrible in execution.

3. Hold up there, old ass African. You touch me again, and I’ll turn your pretty velvet blazer into a bar mop to soak up this drink I’m going to accidentally spill on you.

4. “Hey, how are you? Can I buy you a drink check your coat?”

5. What would EVER make you think that it’s ok to touch my hair? EVER? It doesn’t look like a weave, so I know you’re not trying to satisfy your curiosity. I understand that it looks luxurious and you can’t keep your hands off of it, but you don’t see me rubbing every beautifully bald head that I see. Restrain yourself. Or die.

6. Oh, no. He sees that my friend went to the bar, and now I’m standing here alone. He’s about to pounce, I can feel it in my drunken bones. I can smell him from here and he wreaks of perverted-man-wanting-to-jump-my-bones-ness. Doesn’t anyone else see this T-rex approaching me?! Why isn’t anyone saying anything?! STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!

7. “Hi, (extends hand) I’m Bobby Ray Aldeson. Do you want to dance?” Soooooo, you’re just gonna come up to me and introduce yourself without grabbing my booty or violating some other portion of my bubble? Bobby, I don’t know if you noticed, but this is a Black club. Well, maybe you did notice. Ok, maybe something like being the only White person in a sea of color is hard to miss. I feel the same way when I go to Whole Foods.  Wow, I really appreciate you asking about my life and my night before you start grinding on me from behind. That’s cool. Bobby, you’re freakin awesome, of COURSE I’ll dance with you! I gotta tell you, being the only White person at a Black club is one sure way to dance with anyone of your choice. I don’t know why, but we just appreciate you making the effort to come out, and thus feel drawn or even compelled to oblige your corny advances. Wow, look at you just respecting my space and getting your half-beat boogie on. What am I drinking? Ciroc and lemonade will do just fine, Robert. Nobody has ever asked me before what I was drinking, and then when I gave my answer, replied, “Maybe I’ll get you one a little later.” ?!?!?!?!?!?!? Bobby, that’s not how this works, but your asshole-ish nature is just soooooo smooth!!! You know what Bobby? You’re a smooth dude. You respect the rules of girlfriends dancing with each other to certain songs without trying to hump your way into our circle, you have great conversation, and you’re dressed nicely. And you cut a mean rug. And you finally bought my drink, and got one for my girl too.  Above all, you can come and strike conversation with a beautiful stranger, enjoy my company, and go on about your business. Let’s be facebook friends. 🙂

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