Things Women Shouldn’t Do

Aside from the obvious farts, burps, scratching, and toe-nail clipping, there are some things that I feel a woman should not do in front of a man. More specifically, her man. I’m sure that plenty of women and maybe even some men will disagree with several things on my list, but well, it’s my list and I’m allowed.

1. Apply deoderant. Ok, maybe this is just me, but I think it is a bad idea to let your boo boo biscuit see you put deoderant on. Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m skipping days; I’m still a regular deoderant-wearer. I’m not sure why this bothers me so much. Maybe because I still want my guy to think that girls will always be sugar and spice and everything nice. Maybe because the application process looks unattractive. Like a barbaric monkey or something. I don’t know.  Either way, it’s better done in the bathroom while he’s in the bedroom.

2. Use the bathroom. This is kind of a given I’m sure the Hopeless Romantics will say that after you get to a certain point in a relationship, things like that don’t matter and you won’t even care. That’s some southern-fried bullshit (Southern-fried meaning it’s the worst kind in quality, like blood pressure-raising southern fried food). Nobody wants to see your in-love ass take a shit. I’d even go as far to say that nobody wants to hear you take your morning pee-pee. For this reason, I personally suggest turning on the faucet before you go to break water.

3. Floss. Now I’m sure that the effort to maintain your dental hygiene is much appreciated by your boo boo biscuit,  but there’s no need in letting him watch you flick your orange chicken onto your bathroom mirror. In addition, when you floss, you’re forced to open your mouth pretty wide, which at first may look appealing to your sex-driven boo boo biscuit, until he sees how chapped your lips are afterward.

4. Blow your nose. Yes, blowing your nose is gross and obnoxious, but not to the point where you have to hide it. Then again, maybe you should. Most people can deal with the weird noises and funny faces you make, but after you blow your nose, you may have snot aftermath hanging from the interior of your nostril, or even on your top lip. That’s pretty freakin nasty. For this reason, I only blow my nose in front of the mirror. I especially hate when girls leave tissue stuffed up their nose. Gross.

5. Back Spit. Granted, this year has had one of the highest pollen levels on record, so even those who didn’t have allergies before probably got them this year. However, that does not make it okay to make those loud, snorting, grunting noises, and then spit out what you just hacked up. Take that nasty shit to the powder room, you dirty whore! And stop spitting in general! Are you chewing tobacco in the Dodgers dugout?! What ARE you spitting for?!

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  1. Can we also add(and it may seem obvious to some), not taking out your tampon/pad in front of him. And please stop just leaving it in the trash not wrapped up layers of something. I don’t trip over it and I understand its nature but if you could be a little more discrete I would greatly appreciate it. I think it’s just a necessary courtesy since I sometimes eat at that restaurant.

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