Random Rants: Take it From Me, Kiddo….

I still have a lot more living to do, but I’d like to think that in my 25 years I have experienced a few things that have raised questions, eyebrows, and discussion. This isn’t one of my lighter posts, because frankly, I’m having a bad fuckin day. I could go into details, but I’ll spare you in hopes that you’ll return for the next post. I digress. So here’s a list of a couple things that I’ve been thinking about that weren’t worthy of their own individual posts:

1. If you don’t want to offend me, please don’t offer me the things that you think taste delicious, that are in fact bizarre and disgusting. This includes, but is not limited to: YOUR macaroni & cheese, YOUR potato salad, anything curry (it looks gross), any meat that’s not chicken, turkey, or beef (especially goat), chicken strips without dipping sauce, and anything that has the consistency of custard (i.e. flan). Take it from me kiddo, I will offend you, yo mama, yo Aunt Debbie,  and anyone else who tries to serve me such foolishness.

2. Maybe you shouldn’t get wasted if you don’t intend on giving your gal your ex-girlfriend’s number to text at 4am. Take it from me kiddo, you’re setting yourself up for some unwanted banter between your ex and your new gal (If your new gal is REALLY diggin you, she may even let this one slide).

3. If you find yourself going through a time in your life where you feel things can’t possibly get any worse, have a drink and write it down. Take it from me kiddo, it will make coping so much easier.

4. Lately when I’ve gone out, I’ve seen some pretty outrageous attire and/or accessories that should be outlawed. For example, please leave your bike shorts, measuring tape, crutches, and overly-popped-to-display-your-designer-logo collars at home. Take it from me kiddo, you look like a baffoon.

5. Do NOT grab my thigh when I’m walking down the street, and then call me a dumb bitch because I told you to get your fuckin hands off of me.   ESPECIALLY in front of the police station, and ESPECIALLY if you don’t want me to call my daddy. Take it from me kiddo, you will surely get fucked up.

6.  The anticipation of waiting for the green light on your phone to light up is intoxicating. Whether you’re waiting for a call, text message, or IM, when it’s from the one that you want to hear from the most, that little light will drive you bananas. We even put our phones in our pockets/purses/cases, so we aren’t taunted, but that never lasts long. You always “think” you felt it vibrate and have to check it again. Take it from me kiddo, either turn that light off or take the battery out.

7. The next time you should happen to visit The Cheesecake Factory, do not order cheesecake. Order the strawberry shortcake. Take it from me kiddo, that shit will change your life.

8. Dating is never out of style. By dating, I mean planning and going on a date. It makes a woman feel much less like a nag when her beaux initiates and puts thought into an outing for the two of them. Quiet nights at home are always nice, but every now and again, it’s a great idea to treat her to a night (or day) out that doesn’t include a routine activity or venue. Something that shows there was some thought put into the planning especially for her based on what you know she likes.  Is it corny? Maybe. Take it from me kiddo (and by kiddo, I’m referring especially to the one that I had this conversation with recently. You know who you are, you dumb boy, you), take her on a date. She’ll always remember it.  

9. I’d like to add a ninth and tenth to the list, but my mind can’t seem to fathom more than eight. So, the end.

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