This is Your Captain Speaking….

As a native of Southern California (whoopty-whoop) and a resident of DC, I find myself flying back and forth between the two about twice a year or so.  Non-stop, round-trip airfare from DC to LA in 2010 is pretty ridonkulous, so it’s safe to say that I’m no stranger to many airports between the two cities.  Not to mention the other trips I’ve taken in between. I’ve pretty much covered many of the major cities across the South including Atlanta, Memphis, Birmingham, Charlotte, Dallas, and Jackson. I’ve ventured through the Midwest and stopped by Chicago (both), St. Louis, Detroit, Minneapolis, Cleveland, and Cincinnati. Been to NY (both), Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Long Beach, Burbank, Newark, Denver, Columbia, Indianapolis, Philly, Baltimore, and Norfolk. I said all that to say that I get around in a non-whore-ish kind of way, and in my travels I have come across some strange, bizarre, and hilarious people. I have questions. I have observations. I have opinions. Just to name a few:

1. What is it with people laying on the floor? Now I have had to sleep in an airport a time or two, and I’ve never slept on the floor. If you’re one of those people who have slept on the floor, I’m not completely speaking to you. I’m speaking to those mofos who arrive at the gate 20 minutes before boarding and feel compelled to sprawl out like they’ll never have an opportunity to lay in a bed of germs, dog shit, gum residue, and whatever else is on the bottom of people’s shoes. Get yo punk ass up and sit in the damn chair like you got some fuckin sense!

2. Am I the only one who feels anally raped every time I go to purchase an airline ticket? I can recall the best deal I’ve EVER gotten on a plane ticket. It was winter of 2004. I was looking for a ticket home for Christmas when I came across a round-trip, non-stop flight from Reagan National to LAX for a measley $181 with American Airlines. When I clicked on that shiny ‘confirm’ button, I could hear the angels rejoicing in song.  At that very moment, there was a shooting star that lit up the sky.  Some little horny 9th grader lost his virginity to his older sister’s best friend. Needless to say, it was a moment I will not soon forget.  Since that day of jubilee, I have been swindled, bamboozled, and opressed by the airline industry for a ride home, and quite frankly, I’m not happy about it.

3. I’d like to meet the man (because it had to be a man) that designed the bathroom stalls in the airport to be so small. Not only do I have to try and slide by without my boobs hitting the cold stall wall, I have baggage, muthafucka! Especially now that I have to pay to check my bags, I’m carrying on anything that will fit into my arms. How in sam hell do you expect me to get all this shit in the stall and then still have room to squat?! And PLEASE install a hook for me to hang my purse so I don’t have to set it on the piss-infested floor (Sidenote: Ladies, don’t put your purse on the bathroom floor or any floor for that matter. You probably also put that same purse on your bed and your kitchen table. That’s fuckin nasty. Read about it. Thank you.).

4. My ideal cross-country flight would take off at 1:00am. There would be no fat people, no children under the age of 12, and I’d have the window seat in either the third row or emergency exit row on the left side of the plane.  It would take off at 1:00 am because everyone would be asleep and there wuld be fewer people on the plane. I may even get a whole row to myself. Fat people and children make any flight miserable and everyone knows why. I prefer the window seat becasue I can sleep better and I don’t have to worry about getting hit by the beverage cart. I’d prefer the emergency exit row, but only if the seat reclines. If not, put me in the third row.  I prefer the left side because I’m usually on that side and the view of the ocean is cooler from there?

5. I’m all for people getting along in perfect harmony, but for goodness sake, please stop trying to talk to me. My mission on this airplane is to drink cran-apple juice, listen to R&B, and go to sleep. I don’t mean to be rude, and for that reason I entertain many of the conversations about occupation, vacation, family affairs, and so on. That doesn’t mean that I like it. Contrary to what some machete-swinging Africans people have to say, I’m really a very nice person, and I guess that’s just what nice people do. In addition, you in the other rows ought not feel compelled to talk amongst yourselves. You are disturbing my slumber with your banter of the stock market. This is an airplane ride. No meeting of the minds is required. Have a coke and a smile, and shut the fuck up.

6. If there’s some kind of scientific explanation as to why the high altitude of a plane ride gives me gas, I’d appreciate an email from someone. I can’t explain it, but it never fails. Each and every single time I ride a plane, I get some serious gas. This may be an overshare, but I feel like it’s ok to include this in my list because I’m evidently not alone. *Question of the day: Does she in fact fart on that crowded ass airplane?* Yes, friends. Yes, I do. With no shame!!!! Why should I sit in my seat in agony for five hours because I may offend you? You’re offending me by keeping your reading light on when I’m trying to sleep, and I can’t let out what’s paining me?! What kind of shit is that? I can admit that I have been embarassed a time or two. Usually when my flatulence ends up making our seats vibrate. But, hey, we all lived to see another day. No harm done.

7. It’s very interesting to see what type of reading material people bring along to keep themselves occupied. There are 2 genres of literature that I make sure to keep in my carry-on: Eric Jerome Dickey novels and bridal magazines. I like Eric Jerome Dickey novels in general and read them pretty often. They’re excellent page-turners that make the flight go by faster, and they have awesome sex scenes that I like to read again and again. For some reason though, when I’m flying the friendly skies, I really like to look at bridal magazines. I’m not planning, hoping, wishing, or dreaming of that day, I just like to look at the dresses. To me, it’s fashion. It’s cool to look at what the season’s trends are, new cuts, and fun designs, just like any other clothing magazine. This one may make me seem a little looney and desperate, but I’m not concerned. I have not even begun to consider any details of that day and don’t intend to until that time is before me. Just think they look cool.

8. SkyMall magazine is the shit. Period. Where else can you buy an underwater pogo stick, orthopedic shoes, and the world’s largest crossword puzzle in the same damn place?! I don’t know!!! I’ll probably never buy anything, but it just makes you wonder what these people will think of next!

9. Where are your travels taking you today that you need to wear open-toe high heels and a mini skirt? Firstly, the plane is cold. Secondly, put on some jeans or something! You can’t change once you get to where you’re going? Do you have a thing for the guy explaining how your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device? Furthermore, you have to WALK and even sometimes RUN through the airport. Now I’ll put myself through the same torture in an evening setting at a club or lounge, but you’re putting this shit on to jibber jabber with your neighbor about how you’re on your way to your family reunion?! Be comfortable. I like to wear sweats, I keep my hair wrapped up, and I wear Chucks. Done and done. Any questions?

10. If you can’t lift that heavy ass bag into the overhead compartment, phone a friend. Don’t bust everyone upside their head cuz you have gummy worm arms. Better yet, check that shit. If you do it at the gate, they won’t even charge you!

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