And I Quote…

My ex-boyfriend can attest, and my bff is absolutely going to object to the following declarative statement: I remember everything. May not be as true as it once was, but certain details, I will never forget. If there was a moment in time that made me question something,  coincided with another event, or evoked an extreme emotion, chances are I will remember it. Things that made me feel upset, sexy, jealous, stressed, or made me laugh until I cry will never be forgotten. Especially Herbert the Pervert and the Old El Paso commercial. The way that little boy is being celebrated and the expression on his face makes me fall on the floor every time!!! You may not laugh so hard that you cry when you see these clips, but I just can’t help but to let out a thunderous chuckle. Then there are the things that people have said to me that didn’t necessarily make me laugh, but I will not soon forget. I can always quote a bunch of Bible scriptures and quotes of notable figures, but I want to share some of the things that have been said to me directly, that people may question why they’d leave a lasting impression. Some are funny, others weird, and some you’d just have to be there to understand.

“Welp, that’s it.” 

This was so good, it needed its own post.

“Water ain’t free.”

It wasn’t until recently that I learned why guys don’t like to take showers with women. We think it’s sensual and so romantically erotic, and can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to touch and be close with their lover under the hot water. They think it’s cold in the back of the shower. I get it. Or so I thought. After learning of how the man never gets to see the front of the shower where the warm water is, I thought that could only be the logical explanation as to why they wouldn’t want to induldge in such a steamy encounter. Like, who doesn’t want to have shower sex?! Especially with a Black woman who is willing to get her hair wet!!! I learned the other reason why when I tried to step into the shower with a man, and after about 12 seconds of kissing, he simply said, “Get out. Water ain’t free.” Lesson learned.

“I would love to motorboat those mammaries.”

There was a time when Faceboook was exclusively for the use of college students. So, when there was a new app or “box”, everyone knew about it and everyone added it, at least for a day or two. Like many, I decided to experiment with Honesty Box, an app where your friends can leave their honest and anonymous opinions about you for you to read and reply to. For those that are unfamiliar with my fun bags, they get a lot of attention on their own. So much so, that some anonymous male decided to inform me of what he’d like to do to them in my Honesty Box. This was only one of the many compliments and insults I received about my rack. It’s amazing what people will say when they can remain anonymous. Needless to say, I deleted my honesty box.

“Morning, pumpkin tits!”

My bff has a gay obsession with nice boobs. Particulaly, my boobs. Most mornings we text each other to say hey and see what the other has going on for the day. My day usually starts with, “Morning, pumpkin tits!” to which I have to chuckle, shake my head, and appreciate the fact that someone admires my breasts each and every day. Weird and gay? Yes. But hey, that’s my pal and we’re allowed. If it were any other non-penis-having individual, she might get faded (If you’re unfamiliar with my SoCal lingo, please reference definition number three at urbandictionary.com for the term “fade”).

“Nobody from California is a virgin.”

Some guy said this to me my first year of college. He was right. We front, and sometimes just flat out lie, but truth be told, I never did find a single Freshman or anyone for that matter that still held their V card. That was weird.

“Keep ’em fooled, baby. Keep ’em fooled.”

My great-grandmother used to say this to all of her kin over and over again. She would ask us if we’d been behaving, or the grown folks if they’d been staying out of trouble. No matter what we had been up to since we last saw her, the answer was always, “Yes”. She never believed that shit. She was an old-school fool, and she knew what kind of blood we had running through our veins. Even now, as the golden child of the family, I still have extremely high expectations to meet. Everyone but the two baby cousins has at least 2 children out of wedlock, and at least 3 have been locked up, on drugs, etc. I’m the college graduate in Washington DC doing her own thug thizzle. Who am I to taint that image? So, when I’m asked of my goings on, I maintain my innocent position to which my auntie replies, “Keep ’em fooled baby. Keep ’em fooled.”

“Water, air, and sex are all natural resources, and we should be able to have as much as we want whenever we want.”

The end.

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