My Broom List

You’ve heard of a Bucket List, well allow me to introduce my Broom List: A list of things I want to do before I jump the broom. Most of the things on my list are things that I probably can do after I get married, but that I should take advantage of while I’m young and don’t have to answer to anyone but myself. When I get married (and have kids), I’m going to have my husband and children to answer to, and won’t always be able to put myself first. Wives and mothers have to make sacrifices to keep the family running as it should, because in my old-school mind, the wife and mother is what keeps order in the household. So before I make selfless sacrifices for the ones that I will love more than anyone else, I’m going to do me for a bit.

1. Have sex on a beach.

What is it about doing the wrong thing that intrigues people to do what they know will have less than favorable consequences? This is especially true when it comes to matters of sex. I can’t call it, but taboo sex is one sure way to make the experience not only memorable, but amazing. In my opinion, the best form of taboo sex would be lying on a warm beach under the moonlight with my beau. Sure it may sound cliche, but so is milk and cookies. Doesn’t mean I’m going to stop having milk and cookies to avoid the cliche.

2. Drop 10 pounds and get into Ciara shape.

Make no mistake, I may drink like a fish and eat like I’m storing up for the winter, but I’m no fatty. Granted, I’m still not in the best shape of my life either. So, before I walk down the aisle, before I put on gobs of pregnancy weight, before I get old, I’m going to drop a few pounds and tone up in hopes of looking like Ciara. Tall, lean, long-legged, and no booty. I think this could actually be done ina matter of 60 days if I actually focused and stayed consistent. At this point in my life I’m not obligated or committed to anyone, so if I want to look like a plain Jane or big mama, I’m allowed. Probably won’t get me very far, but the point is that I could if I wanted to. As a wife, you have a responsibility to be a hot piece of ass that any man would want to come home to. Period. Once I get there, my vanity will not allow me to stray away, and I’m just gonna have to maintain and preserve my sexy. 

3. Cut my hair.

It has been my experience that most (Black) guys never want you to cut your hair, and never want you to wear fake hair. They want you to have long, natural, uncolored and untainted hair. These same men have absolutely no clue what its like to maintain long, natural Black girl hair. That ish ain’t easy, fast or cheap. I’ve never been a fan of cutting my own hair anyway, but sometimes I get in these moods where I just want to do something outrageous. There may come a time where that feeling leads me to chop my mane.  If I’m going to ever weave it up (I won’t cuz weaves are gross), braid it up, chop it off, or color it pink, I’m going to make an effort to do it on my own time.

4. Take a cruise.

Maybe its just the men that I’ve dealt with, but it seems almost impossible to get a guy to go on a cruise with me. This is something I’ve wanted to do since college, but could never convince my guy to roll. To me, a cruise is something I could do with my girlfriend(s), but I’d rather do with a man.

5. Take (barely) nude photos.

There’s a little woman that lives inside of me that likes to believe she’s abstract. She likes art. She loves music, wine, dance, and theater. She’s an actress. She’s a poet. She’s a songstress. She likes tattoos. She’s not afraid to pose nude for pictures just for the heck of it, only to be seen by her own eyes. I’m not saying this chick has to die before I jump the broom, but she definitely has to tone down some things a bit. I can’t see the type of guy that I want to marry being ok with me taking my clothes off for anyone but him, whether in the name of art, , life, or Jerome. He don’t play that. Single me wants 2 more tattoos and wants to pose nude one more time, just for the heck of it. Married me will keep up the rest of the abstract activities, like writing poetry, going to see live bands, and art exhibits.

6. Retire from alcoholism.

Anyone who knows me or has ever read anything I’ve written knows that I’m a drunkaholic. I like to go out and drink, I like to stay in and drink, I like to wake up and drink. I drink when I’m happy, I drink when I’m sad, I drink when I’m bored. I drink to rid myself of headaches, cramps, the blues, and stress. I drink with company, I drink alone. I drink here, I drink there. I drink in a house, with a mouse, in a box, with a fox. I drink. To be quite honest, I want 4 or 5 children, and I’m absolutely terrifed. 36-45 months without a single sip of anything alcoholic scares the living crap out of me? Someone may want to give CPS a heads up, because I just don’t know if not drinking during pregnancy is a promise I can keep. I make light of all the drinking I do, because it looks worse than it actually is 😉 . Whether you believe that or not, I am aware that the heavy drinking will have to cease once I start that whole chold-bearing thing.

8. Get things right with the Big Guy.

In my opinion, I was brought up the right way. My parents instilled in me all of the good things that parents are supposed to from a moral and Biblical perspective. My brother and I were good kids, and we never got into major trouble. We could come and go as we please because my parents knew they could trust us, and because they put the fear of God and fear of beat downs in us. I decided to make some poor decisions and rebel a little once I reached adulthood, but that was my own doing, even though I knew better. I feel like my kids will be one step ahead of everyone else in life if they have the same religious values that I learned growing up. Even if you decide to stray away, those things mever go away, and you almost always revert back to them when in need, because you know they’ll never fail you. Certainly I’m not waiting until I get married to get my relationship with God where it ought to be, but I’m definitely going to have it solid before I welcome anyone else into my life.

    • hotboyboogz
    • October 11th, 2010

    Here are the my replies to each of the things you want to do.

    1. I’ve tried that one. Very over-rated. Try on a roof of a house while the sun is coming up.

    2. You are beautiful the way you are. You don’t not need to lose any weight. Plus I don’t need you to be trying to do ANYTHING that Ciara be doing in her videos. After seeing Ride, the things I would to that woman is probably illegal in most of the United States.

    3. I’ve grown my hair out before. It is not that bad. Stay from the braids and the weaves. And the mops. When I saw you with that wig on I didn’t even recognize you.

    4. I can fukk with you and a cruise. Just keep me inside and above the waterline.

    5. Thanks for the pictures *barf*

    6. NOOOOO!!!!

    7. What happened to 7?!?!

    8. You definitely need to handle that. You will feel better about life

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