Posts Tagged ‘ girlfriends ’

Club Chronicles: Did That Really Just Happen?

Usually as the seasons change from summer to fall, I’m able to adjust to the cold pretty well. That has absolutely not been the case this year. All the cold weather is bringing is inconvenience and tighter pockets. With that said, going out to a party has become more taxing and less appealing than ever before. First, I have to warm up the car and waste about $1.50 worth of gas. Then I have to cover up my sexiness with leggings, jeggings, tights, or some other restrictive article made of spandex. Don’t forget your big coat and scarf. By the way, that coat is gonna cost you $5 to check at the club, but only after you take the long, excruciatingly cold walk from the car to the club entrance. What awaits me inside is usually pretty standard. Alcohol, loud music, foul smells, drunkie hoes, big girls who don’t know the laws of personal space, and old men sipping whiskey & water, hoping to get lucky. There is nothing that I can ever do to mentally prepare for the shenanigans I witnessed last Saturday night…..

I’ve frequented many clubs, bars, and lounges in DC, and no matter where you go, you’ll find 2 or 3 types of people that go to every club, no matter the crowd/music genre/cost, just to be seen in their $200 shades and $350 Prada shoes. For these club-goers, the night out is all about being seen in their fancy clothes with big labels all over them in order to feel accepted by the people who aren’t wearing such foolishness. It’s actually pretty common for these over-zealous, wanna-be baller to toss a stack of (one) dollar bills in the air to make it rain on the peasants who can’t afford a VIP table. This particular night brought about a different kind of “making it rain” experience that I’m unfamiliar with. Right as some Wacka Flocka Flame song came on, someone threw a mighty stack of bar napkins to the heavens, and watched it fall on the multitude of puzzled faces. It’s like everyone in unison stopped, looked around, and asked, “Did someone just throw napkins in the air?”. Absolutely priceless. That is, until those napkins reached the wet floor and then got stuck to the bottoms of everyone’s shoes. Everyone looked as if they just left the bathroom with a trail of toilet paper stuck to their shoes.

When women go out together, its fairly obvious that we do not want our circle disturbed by anyone who wants to dance with any member of the circle. Its a pretty well-known fact that one of the girls has to signal that she’d like to dance by turning her left shoulder 90 degrees toward the outside of the circle, in an effort to invite someone nearby to dance with her. Before she gives the signal, it is absolutely rude to assume that she is allowed to dance with anyone not in the girl circle. It is ESPECIALLY rude to pull any member of the circle away because they are more interesting than the rest. By interesting, I mean white. Those white chicks came with us, and I understand how they may stick out and thus attract more attention, but we brought them for a reason: to dance and have fun with us. Those are OUR white girls! How dare you pull them away from our circle and teach them the latest dance of the hip-hop community. Thank you very much, but if Katy and Jenny want to learn how to Dougie, I’LL be the one to teach them!

If the last paragraph wasn’t evident that women stick together and take care of each other when they go out, let me reiterate. When women go out, they stick together and take care of each other. This means that if she didn’t come with you, don’t concern yourself with her. I got this. She may look drunk to you, but she in fact has a tummy ache, and is getting a little dizzy from the cloud of hot must in this club atmosphere. So please, don’t feel compelled to ask me if she’s going to throw up or tell me to get her some water. Mind your business, homegirl, I’m taking care of my friend.

This one was definitely unforgettable, although I’d LOVE to forget every part of this memory. Let me first set the scene: As mentioned, my pal is not feeling so hot, so we’re on the way to the bathroom so she can get herself together. In the bathroom, there are three stalls. One is broken, one is open, and the last is occupied by my pal. In the tiny bathroom, there is a line of about 6 girls, that wraps around to block the door. Need less to say, it was crowded. i’m standing off to the side in front of the broken stall when I see a big girl walk in, wearing a lime green dress and a synthetic weave. She, along with everyone else in line obviously has to potty, but feels that she has to go way more than everyone else. When she sees that nobody will let her cut the line, she proceeds to squat in front of the door to reveal her monkey to all of us, and relieves herself into the glass that used to hold her vodka and cranberry. With a lemon wedge. When the unfortunate cup reached its capacity, the next victim was the floor beneath our feet. That’s right, this dirty bitch pissed on the floor like it was nothing. I am reluctant to say that I watched her from start to finish, because it was like watching a car crash. Horrible, but I just couldn’t look away. After I handed that dirty bitch a wad of paper towels so she wouldn’t touch me or anything around me, I banged on the occupied stall to let my pal know it was time to get the fuck out of there.

With all that said, I have come to the realization that going out in the fall is a terrible idea, and I should just wait until spring hits to resurface.

What. A. Night.


Girlfriends and Their Less Than Useful Datingship Advice

I’ve never been one to have a circle of girlfriends that I am open and discuss the most intimate details of my life with. That’s not to say that I prefer not to or just don’t have them, they’re just few and far between. Even my former best friend (who doesn’t yet know that she’s my former best friend) and I weren’t super tight. We were, but we weren’t. We were high school pals and bff’s up until about a year ago. But even during our bff dynasty, there were always certain details that I never would share with her. I lied about losing my virginity for 2 years because I didn’t want to hear her less than supportive opinion about who it was with. It just seems to me that this is the type of thing you should be able to tell your best girlfriend if no one else. But I digress….

As Valentine’s Day came and went this year, I was reminded of why I limit the involvement of my friends in my romantic life. Girls are emotional ass creatures who don’t always think very rationally or practically. Valentine’s Day has never been a big deal to me because I’ve never had a Valentine, not even when I was in a relationship. So why did I let the girly banter of my close (and not so close) girlfriends turn me into an emotional cupcake as soft as doctor’s cotton? Because I am a woman, who sometimes doesn’t think very rationally or practically. Nobody knows what truly goes on in my datingships but me and the man involved. So why would I consult someone who is biased and doesn’t have all the facts? That’s like presenting a case to a jury of someone else’s peers without including all the evidence. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I’ve never needed the opinions of girls before because I am a grown-up who is able to make her own relationship (datingship) decisions. If I REALLY need help, I’ll just ask mom. She’s been through some shit and actually has valid and applicable advice to offer. Besides, nobody looks out for me like my mom, and I don’t think she’d lead me astray. I didn’t make a huge deal about it to my friend, but it definitely could’ve gone sour, which would’ve been ALL BAD.

A very new, but very dear girlfriend asked why me and the guy I’m seeing, who she met just once, aren’t in a relationship yet. Eh? Because we’re just not. She felt that the short amount of time that we had known each other and the even shorter amount of time that we’ve been seeing one another was sufficient enough for us to make a commitment to each other. If that wasn’t the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my freaking life, then I don’t know what is. Really? Is that how you feel? Well my dear, that’s not the way it is. There’s nothing wrong with him, and there’s nothing wrong with me. Will we ever be together? I don’t know, you’re gonna have to ask the Big Guy about that one, muffin.

Her very single and very lonely opinion just made things so much clearer to me. Don’t take datingship advice from women who don’t have sound advice to offer, especially if the concept of a successful relationship is foreign to them. So how did I come to the realization that I was being ridiculous? The same way I solve most of my problems: I mentally bitch-slapped myself and had a self-pep talk over a Jack and Coke. Problem solved.

This isn’t to say that I don’t love or need my girlfriends. This is just to say that I have learned to take what they say, evaluate it’s validity, and apply it accordingly as opposed to declaring it to be girl-law.