Posts Tagged ‘ hoes ’

Club Chronicles: Did That Really Just Happen?

Usually as the seasons change from summer to fall, I’m able to adjust to the cold pretty well. That has absolutely not been the case this year. All the cold weather is bringing is inconvenience and tighter pockets. With that said, going out to a party has become more taxing and less appealing than ever before. First, I have to warm up the car and waste about $1.50 worth of gas. Then I have to cover up my sexiness with leggings, jeggings, tights, or some other restrictive article made of spandex. Don’t forget your big coat and scarf. By the way, that coat is gonna cost you $5 to check at the club, but only after you take the long, excruciatingly cold walk from the car to the club entrance. What awaits me inside is usually pretty standard. Alcohol, loud music, foul smells, drunkie hoes, big girls who don’t know the laws of personal space, and old men sipping whiskey & water, hoping to get lucky. There is nothing that I can ever do to mentally prepare for the shenanigans I witnessed last Saturday night…..

I’ve frequented many clubs, bars, and lounges in DC, and no matter where you go, you’ll find 2 or 3 types of people that go to every club, no matter the crowd/music genre/cost, just to be seen in their $200 shades and $350 Prada shoes. For these club-goers, the night out is all about being seen in their fancy clothes with big labels all over them in order to feel accepted by the people who aren’t wearing such foolishness. It’s actually pretty common for these over-zealous, wanna-be baller to toss a stack of (one) dollar bills in the air to make it rain on the peasants who can’t afford a VIP table. This particular night brought about a different kind of “making it rain” experience that I’m unfamiliar with. Right as some Wacka Flocka Flame song came on, someone threw a mighty stack of bar napkins to the heavens, and watched it fall on the multitude of puzzled faces. It’s like everyone in unison stopped, looked around, and asked, “Did someone just throw napkins in the air?”. Absolutely priceless. That is, until those napkins reached the wet floor and then got stuck to the bottoms of everyone’s shoes. Everyone looked as if they just left the bathroom with a trail of toilet paper stuck to their shoes.

When women go out together, its fairly obvious that we do not want our circle disturbed by anyone who wants to dance with any member of the circle. Its a pretty well-known fact that one of the girls has to signal that she’d like to dance by turning her left shoulder 90 degrees toward the outside of the circle, in an effort to invite someone nearby to dance with her. Before she gives the signal, it is absolutely rude to assume that she is allowed to dance with anyone not in the girl circle. It is ESPECIALLY rude to pull any member of the circle away because they are more interesting than the rest. By interesting, I mean white. Those white chicks came with us, and I understand how they may stick out and thus attract more attention, but we brought them for a reason: to dance and have fun with us. Those are OUR white girls! How dare you pull them away from our circle and teach them the latest dance of the hip-hop community. Thank you very much, but if Katy and Jenny want to learn how to Dougie, I’LL be the one to teach them!

If the last paragraph wasn’t evident that women stick together and take care of each other when they go out, let me reiterate. When women go out, they stick together and take care of each other. This means that if she didn’t come with you, don’t concern yourself with her. I got this. She may look drunk to you, but she in fact has a tummy ache, and is getting a little dizzy from the cloud of hot must in this club atmosphere. So please, don’t feel compelled to ask me if she’s going to throw up or tell me to get her some water. Mind your business, homegirl, I’m taking care of my friend.

This one was definitely unforgettable, although I’d LOVE to forget every part of this memory. Let me first set the scene: As mentioned, my pal is not feeling so hot, so we’re on the way to the bathroom so she can get herself together. In the bathroom, there are three stalls. One is broken, one is open, and the last is occupied by my pal. In the tiny bathroom, there is a line of about 6 girls, that wraps around to block the door. Need less to say, it was crowded. i’m standing off to the side in front of the broken stall when I see a big girl walk in, wearing a lime green dress and a synthetic weave. She, along with everyone else in line obviously has to potty, but feels that she has to go way more than everyone else. When she sees that nobody will let her cut the line, she proceeds to squat in front of the door to reveal her monkey to all of us, and relieves herself into the glass that used to hold her vodka and cranberry. With a lemon wedge. When the unfortunate cup reached its capacity, the next victim was the floor beneath our feet. That’s right, this dirty bitch pissed on the floor like it was nothing. I am reluctant to say that I watched her from start to finish, because it was like watching a car crash. Horrible, but I just couldn’t look away. After I handed that dirty bitch a wad of paper towels so she wouldn’t touch me or anything around me, I banged on the occupied stall to let my pal know it was time to get the fuck out of there.

With all that said, I have come to the realization that going out in the fall is a terrible idea, and I should just wait until spring hits to resurface.

What. A. Night.

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(Ho)spitality

(Disclaimer: I don’t mean ho in a disrespectful way. I just use the term as a general statement for bitches whose names I don’t know individually.)

I wanted to expose the truth about people when it comes to showing hospitality to their hoes. When I say hoes, I’m not referring to the loose or promiscuous, I’m referring to the one that you’re neither committed nor obligated to,  just someone who provides good every now and then sex. Hoes. In my 25 years, I’ve observed a lot about human behavior when it comes to matters of the ho. So, I decided to disclose what I’ve gathered about hoes at the house.

1. Ho shorts.

It first came to my attention that there was such a thing as ho shorts when I noticed that every time I’d go visit my friend, he’d offer me the same shorts to sleep in. Every time. We weren’t in a relationship, so I knew I couldn’t have been the only one he’d invite over, which means I also wasn’t the only one wearing that same pair of basketball shorts when it was time for bed. Not just any basketball shorts. Either the YMCA summer league shorts, the organized team practice shorts, or the ones that were just too short and gay for him anymore. I’ve demanded to wear a different pair on several occassions because I recognized what was going on. I want them Jordan shorts! The extra long ones! Little does he know, that when he comes over, he’s also subject to the ho shorts. The female version of ho shorts that she shares with her guest usually ends up being ho shorts she never gave back, or her ex-boyfriend’s old shorts.

2. Ho towels.

My roommate recently brought this to my attention, as I didn’t know there was such a thing as a ho towel. He tells me that the ho towels are all white, usually stolen from hotels. She’s always gonna get the ho towel for 2 reasons: 1) She’s a ho, and therefore not allowed to dry herself on the same towels that he uses to dry his precious body. 2) White towels allow you to see how clean that ho is. I’ve never been given the ho towel, because I have no desire to bathe at an almost stranger’s house. And my body wash smells better than your Old Spice/Axe.

3. Ho side of the bed.

A true ho is never allowed to choose which side of the bed he/she wants to sleep on. I’m sleeping closest to the door. Every time. He has his reasons for choosing the side she’s not permitted to sleep on. And it never changes unless you happen to be lying in the forbidden spot in your birthday suit. At his house anyway. I don’t want your naked genitalia anywhere near my side of the bed.

4. Ho liquor.

Most men invite you over because they want to have sex. Most men would invite me over and would have a bottle of Ciroc waiting because I have OUTSTANDING drunk-off-Ciroc-sex. A repeat guest will always have his/her liquor of choice waiting. A boredom booty call gets water. From the sink.

5. Ho activities.

If you’re the chosen ho for the night and you end up at your friend’s house, you better believe you’re doing ho activities (with ho tendencies 🙂 ) that night. Ho activities include everything that the host wants to do, whether the ho enjoys them or not. This includes choice of TV channel, movies, bedtime, food, video games, etc. The ho’s job is to nod and smile and perform his or her ho duty for the evening. The ho is not there for his or her own entertainment or enjoyment. That ho ought to know a ho’s place.