Posts Tagged ‘ just my thoughts ’

Mid-Year’s Resolutions

That’s right. Mid-year. I pride myself on being someone that’s ever-changing, ever-growing, and ever-evolving. I consider myself to be a balls to the wall, jump off the cliff and hope you can fly kind of gal. Needless to say, I’m a risk-taker. However, I don’t feel like I’ve grown, changed, or taken any risks in 2010, and frankly, I don’t like it. So, I’m pledging to do some things before the year ends and I’m left wondering what I could have been doing for the past 52 weeks of my life.

1. I will buy a condo.

2. I will choose a career?

3. I will attempt to finish old projects.

4. I will venture into new projects.

5. I will quit my damn job. Again.

6. I will wear matching underwear at least 4 days out of the week.

7. I will let my dog get some (Pit bull puppies for sale! Holla at a playa when you see me in the streets!)

8. I will stop drinking like a fish and cursing like a sailor.

9. I will finally get the hell in shape and work to make my body look like Ciara’s. Little booty and all.

10. I will make my bed. Every day. At least once a week.

11. I will commit to a dietary lifestyle and stick to it.

12. I will cook new things and cook more often.

13. I will read my Bible more and do more general research on various subject matter.

14. I will check my voicemail and return calls.

15. I will always keep in mind that I am the exception to the rule.

16. I will go to church at least once a week.

17. I will wrap my hair EVERY night.

18. I will take better care of my car.

19. I will save some money.

20. I will be nice(r).

22. I will volunteer.

23. I will take trips.

24. I will stop insulting the Africans, gays, greek fraternities/sororities, Mexicans, and ugly babies.

25. I will devote time every week to work on the muscles that are gonna make me the Michael Jordan of sex (It’s a shame that women can do this and don’t. I bet men would do dick-lunges if they thought it would make them better). 

26. I will pay off at least one bill every month.

27. I will take more pictures.

28. I will not buy shoes every time I get paid, no matter how fabulous or on sale they are.

29. I will write letters.

30. I will laugh as much as I can and love as much as I can.

Facebook discussions: On Legalizing Gay Marriage in DC

A few months back I posted a status on my Facebook page asking for opinions about legalizing gay marriage in DC. This status caused much discussion and much controversy. At the end of the day, there were almost 90 comments from my friends having banter with one another. I reserved my comment until the very end so that I could see what others had to say. I thought it was an amazing discussion, and I wanted to share what I had to say through a different outlet. Not to spark more discussion, just because I wanted something different on my blog of club chronicles and datingships. So here was my response:  

Ok, my turn. I do not believe in same-sex marriage because I don’t believe in homosexuality. I think homosexuality is wrong, plain and simple. Until today, I was a firm believer that nobody is born gay. I’ve changed my stance. I now absolutely believe that one can be born gay. We are all born into sin. Some born into homosexuality, others into addiction. Some weren’t born into homosexuality and later made a choice, just as fornicators, liars, and thieves have. However, just because a person is born with something inside of them doesn’t make what’s dwelling in them right. Personally, I think I was born with a little extra freak in me. If I had it my way, I’d be a porn star! But just because I feel like having sex with people of my choice in exchange for millions of dollars seems like a great freakin idea, I don’t think God would agree. Do I do things God probably wouldn’t agree with? Plenty. I pick my poison just as I feel homosexuals and everyone else who isn’t Jesus pick theirs. Will I, a fornicator who curses like a sailor and drinks like a fish be judged? Absolutely. Will I make it into heaven? I certainly hope so. Will DeMarcus, a homosexual be judged? Absolutely. Will he make it in? I certainly hope so. Will Jay-Z? Fat chance. God knows my heart just as he knows the heart of the homosexual, and he will judge accordingly. I couldn’t care less if gay marriage is legal or not. Do you think by keeping it illegal homosexuals will do an about-face? I have the answer. The answer is no. Conversely, do you think weed smokers could give a damn if marijuana was legalized? Hell no. Them mofos are gonna blaze either way. Don’t let society define what’s right and wrong. Our society is fucked up. Our society put Arnold into office twice. Our society shines more light on the real housewives of Atlanta than assholes like Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky, who replied “tough shit” when asked to comment about the unemployment crisis. Our society takes their children out of class so they don’t have to hear President Obama encouraging them to stay in school and become productive citizens. All in all, I believe homosexuality is wrong, but I don’t feel it is any more wrong than any sin that a heterosexual commits. My thoughts are based off of my belief in God, and apply only to me. I can’t speak on the next person and their relationship (or lack thereof) with God.

This is Your Captain Speaking….

As a native of Southern California (whoopty-whoop) and a resident of DC, I find myself flying back and forth between the two about twice a year or so.  Non-stop, round-trip airfare from DC to LA in 2010 is pretty ridonkulous, so it’s safe to say that I’m no stranger to many airports between the two cities.  Not to mention the other trips I’ve taken in between. I’ve pretty much covered many of the major cities across the South including Atlanta, Memphis, Birmingham, Charlotte, Dallas, and Jackson. I’ve ventured through the Midwest and stopped by Chicago (both), St. Louis, Detroit, Minneapolis, Cleveland, and Cincinnati. Been to NY (both), Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Long Beach, Burbank, Newark, Denver, Columbia, Indianapolis, Philly, Baltimore, and Norfolk. I said all that to say that I get around in a non-whore-ish kind of way, and in my travels I have come across some strange, bizarre, and hilarious people. I have questions. I have observations. I have opinions. Just to name a few:

1. What is it with people laying on the floor? Now I have had to sleep in an airport a time or two, and I’ve never slept on the floor. If you’re one of those people who have slept on the floor, I’m not completely speaking to you. I’m speaking to those mofos who arrive at the gate 20 minutes before boarding and feel compelled to sprawl out like they’ll never have an opportunity to lay in a bed of germs, dog shit, gum residue, and whatever else is on the bottom of people’s shoes. Get yo punk ass up and sit in the damn chair like you got some fuckin sense!

2. Am I the only one who feels anally raped every time I go to purchase an airline ticket? I can recall the best deal I’ve EVER gotten on a plane ticket. It was winter of 2004. I was looking for a ticket home for Christmas when I came across a round-trip, non-stop flight from Reagan National to LAX for a measley $181 with American Airlines. When I clicked on that shiny ‘confirm’ button, I could hear the angels rejoicing in song.  At that very moment, there was a shooting star that lit up the sky.  Some little horny 9th grader lost his virginity to his older sister’s best friend. Needless to say, it was a moment I will not soon forget.  Since that day of jubilee, I have been swindled, bamboozled, and opressed by the airline industry for a ride home, and quite frankly, I’m not happy about it.

3. I’d like to meet the man (because it had to be a man) that designed the bathroom stalls in the airport to be so small. Not only do I have to try and slide by without my boobs hitting the cold stall wall, I have baggage, muthafucka! Especially now that I have to pay to check my bags, I’m carrying on anything that will fit into my arms. How in sam hell do you expect me to get all this shit in the stall and then still have room to squat?! And PLEASE install a hook for me to hang my purse so I don’t have to set it on the piss-infested floor (Sidenote: Ladies, don’t put your purse on the bathroom floor or any floor for that matter. You probably also put that same purse on your bed and your kitchen table. That’s fuckin nasty. Read about it. Thank you.).

4. My ideal cross-country flight would take off at 1:00am. There would be no fat people, no children under the age of 12, and I’d have the window seat in either the third row or emergency exit row on the left side of the plane.  It would take off at 1:00 am because everyone would be asleep and there wuld be fewer people on the plane. I may even get a whole row to myself. Fat people and children make any flight miserable and everyone knows why. I prefer the window seat becasue I can sleep better and I don’t have to worry about getting hit by the beverage cart. I’d prefer the emergency exit row, but only if the seat reclines. If not, put me in the third row.  I prefer the left side because I’m usually on that side and the view of the ocean is cooler from there?

5. I’m all for people getting along in perfect harmony, but for goodness sake, please stop trying to talk to me. My mission on this airplane is to drink cran-apple juice, listen to R&B, and go to sleep. I don’t mean to be rude, and for that reason I entertain many of the conversations about occupation, vacation, family affairs, and so on. That doesn’t mean that I like it. Contrary to what some machete-swinging Africans people have to say, I’m really a very nice person, and I guess that’s just what nice people do. In addition, you in the other rows ought not feel compelled to talk amongst yourselves. You are disturbing my slumber with your banter of the stock market. This is an airplane ride. No meeting of the minds is required. Have a coke and a smile, and shut the fuck up.

6. If there’s some kind of scientific explanation as to why the high altitude of a plane ride gives me gas, I’d appreciate an email from someone. I can’t explain it, but it never fails. Each and every single time I ride a plane, I get some serious gas. This may be an overshare, but I feel like it’s ok to include this in my list because I’m evidently not alone. *Question of the day: Does she in fact fart on that crowded ass airplane?* Yes, friends. Yes, I do. With no shame!!!! Why should I sit in my seat in agony for five hours because I may offend you? You’re offending me by keeping your reading light on when I’m trying to sleep, and I can’t let out what’s paining me?! What kind of shit is that? I can admit that I have been embarassed a time or two. Usually when my flatulence ends up making our seats vibrate. But, hey, we all lived to see another day. No harm done.

7. It’s very interesting to see what type of reading material people bring along to keep themselves occupied. There are 2 genres of literature that I make sure to keep in my carry-on: Eric Jerome Dickey novels and bridal magazines. I like Eric Jerome Dickey novels in general and read them pretty often. They’re excellent page-turners that make the flight go by faster, and they have awesome sex scenes that I like to read again and again. For some reason though, when I’m flying the friendly skies, I really like to look at bridal magazines. I’m not planning, hoping, wishing, or dreaming of that day, I just like to look at the dresses. To me, it’s fashion. It’s cool to look at what the season’s trends are, new cuts, and fun designs, just like any other clothing magazine. This one may make me seem a little looney and desperate, but I’m not concerned. I have not even begun to consider any details of that day and don’t intend to until that time is before me. Just think they look cool.

8. SkyMall magazine is the shit. Period. Where else can you buy an underwater pogo stick, orthopedic shoes, and the world’s largest crossword puzzle in the same damn place?! I don’t know!!! I’ll probably never buy anything, but it just makes you wonder what these people will think of next!

9. Where are your travels taking you today that you need to wear open-toe high heels and a mini skirt? Firstly, the plane is cold. Secondly, put on some jeans or something! You can’t change once you get to where you’re going? Do you have a thing for the guy explaining how your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device? Furthermore, you have to WALK and even sometimes RUN through the airport. Now I’ll put myself through the same torture in an evening setting at a club or lounge, but you’re putting this shit on to jibber jabber with your neighbor about how you’re on your way to your family reunion?! Be comfortable. I like to wear sweats, I keep my hair wrapped up, and I wear Chucks. Done and done. Any questions?

10. If you can’t lift that heavy ass bag into the overhead compartment, phone a friend. Don’t bust everyone upside their head cuz you have gummy worm arms. Better yet, check that shit. If you do it at the gate, they won’t even charge you!

Girlfriends and Their Less Than Useful Datingship Advice

I’ve never been one to have a circle of girlfriends that I am open and discuss the most intimate details of my life with. That’s not to say that I prefer not to or just don’t have them, they’re just few and far between. Even my former best friend (who doesn’t yet know that she’s my former best friend) and I weren’t super tight. We were, but we weren’t. We were high school pals and bff’s up until about a year ago. But even during our bff dynasty, there were always certain details that I never would share with her. I lied about losing my virginity for 2 years because I didn’t want to hear her less than supportive opinion about who it was with. It just seems to me that this is the type of thing you should be able to tell your best girlfriend if no one else. But I digress….

As Valentine’s Day came and went this year, I was reminded of why I limit the involvement of my friends in my romantic life. Girls are emotional ass creatures who don’t always think very rationally or practically. Valentine’s Day has never been a big deal to me because I’ve never had a Valentine, not even when I was in a relationship. So why did I let the girly banter of my close (and not so close) girlfriends turn me into an emotional cupcake as soft as doctor’s cotton? Because I am a woman, who sometimes doesn’t think very rationally or practically. Nobody knows what truly goes on in my datingships but me and the man involved. So why would I consult someone who is biased and doesn’t have all the facts? That’s like presenting a case to a jury of someone else’s peers without including all the evidence. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I’ve never needed the opinions of girls before because I am a grown-up who is able to make her own relationship (datingship) decisions. If I REALLY need help, I’ll just ask mom. She’s been through some shit and actually has valid and applicable advice to offer. Besides, nobody looks out for me like my mom, and I don’t think she’d lead me astray. I didn’t make a huge deal about it to my friend, but it definitely could’ve gone sour, which would’ve been ALL BAD.

A very new, but very dear girlfriend asked why me and the guy I’m seeing, who she met just once, aren’t in a relationship yet. Eh? Because we’re just not. She felt that the short amount of time that we had known each other and the even shorter amount of time that we’ve been seeing one another was sufficient enough for us to make a commitment to each other. If that wasn’t the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my freaking life, then I don’t know what is. Really? Is that how you feel? Well my dear, that’s not the way it is. There’s nothing wrong with him, and there’s nothing wrong with me. Will we ever be together? I don’t know, you’re gonna have to ask the Big Guy about that one, muffin.

Her very single and very lonely opinion just made things so much clearer to me. Don’t take datingship advice from women who don’t have sound advice to offer, especially if the concept of a successful relationship is foreign to them. So how did I come to the realization that I was being ridiculous? The same way I solve most of my problems: I mentally bitch-slapped myself and had a self-pep talk over a Jack and Coke. Problem solved.

This isn’t to say that I don’t love or need my girlfriends. This is just to say that I have learned to take what they say, evaluate it’s validity, and apply it accordingly as opposed to declaring it to be girl-law.

Skinny Jeans Should be the Least of Your Worries….

As we enter a new decade, I thought it would be fun to try and guess what some of the new fads and trends will be. Some of the items listed are my attempt at humor. Some, I whole-heartedly believe will come to pass. Feel free to leave a comment with something you’d like to add to the list. Or don’t. Its your prerogative, Bobby Brown.

1. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Wine is going to be the new official liquor of the hip-hop community very soon. Time to buy some stock in Yellow Tail and Woodbridge.

2. Men’s popular fashion is getting gayer and gayer. Soon enough, its going to be pretty standard to see a straight guy walking down the street with pearls in his ears. That’s right, pearls. Pearls will be as big as throwback jerseys were in 2001.

3. I went to a club in LA when I was in high school, and the guys who were gettin all the panty points were grinding across the floor and on their heads, all while wearing cowboy boots. Its my prediction that men’s cowboy boots will be the new Pradas.

4. Penis rings. Probably made of pearls. No homo, but…..homo, indeed.

5. Remember when everyone made a song or a portion of their song was about getting their hair braided? Nah, boo, I’m not gonna braid your hair. I’m gonna wave your hair. Fingerwaves.

6. They may still be wearing gucci shades, but please believe they’re going to have a beaded lanyard on them like my granny’s do.

7. Long gone are the days when terms of endearment between men included ‘fam’, ‘jo’, ‘young’, ‘B’, ‘son’, ‘my nig’, ‘cuz’, ‘chief’, etc. You can go ahead and replace the aforementioned with terms like, ‘muffin’, ‘boo’, ‘tiger’, ‘niño’, ‘cowboy’, and ‘biscuit’.

8. Young men will no longer glorify movies like Scarface, The Godfather, New Jack City, Casino, or The Mack. Instead, you’ll see young fellas reciting lines from Sweet Home Alabama, Madea’s Family Reunion, Sex and the City, or maybe a song from Rent or Chicago.

9. Basketball? No way……Ok maybe that’s a stretch. Niggas will forever love basketball.

10. GM, Land Rover, and Daimler-Chrysler will all lose their presence in Urban America. No more Chevys, Cadillacs, Chargers, or Range Rovers. Fahgetaboutit mang. Say hello to the wonderful world of Minis, Smart Cars, and restored Astro vans.

11. No more videos shot on the block or in the club, poolside or courtside, in the studio or behind a blank white background (since everyone’s video today looks the same as the next man’s plain white background video) Nah, cowboy. We takin it to Bollywood and belly dancing class. Welcome to the winery, bitch. What? You can’t respect my gangsta on a hayride through the pumpkin patch or apple orchard?

12. Iced-out watches will be a thing of the past. The future lies in slap bracelets. Shooting dice is for losers. Whoopin ass with a Smurf slammer and takin everyone’s pogs is where its at.

13. Boxer-briefs and boxers will surely be replaced with that thong-thong-thong-thong-thong. “Good for circulation and prevents saggy balls.” Oh, and Sisqo’s Unleash The Dragon will begin to sell as many millions as Tupac’s greatest hits did even 10 years after his death.

14. The same households that have George Foreman Grills will now have Breadmakers. That’s right. We bakin bread, muffin.

15. Jay-Z’s presence in young Black America will be replaced by Michael Buble. Think about it. Jay-Z idolizes Frank Sinatra. Who else in 2010 is more reminiscent of Frank Sinatra than Michael Buble? I have the answer. The answer is nobody. Makes sense.