Posts Tagged ‘ lists ’

Top 5 Things to Know Before You Date Him Exclusively

As women, it is our responsibility to pick up on clues about a guy to learn who he is and what kind of mate he will be. It’s very easy to have the long talks on the phone and go on awkward let-‘s-get-to-know-each-other-dates. But all you will learn during these encounters is what he wants you to know. Nothing more, nothing less. You learn that at times he can be considerate and chivalrous, and probably has a good heart. You may also learn that he’s selfish and petty, and tries to impress you way too much. If you desire to know more about a guy because you may truly be interested in moving forward in an exclusive and romantic capacity, you have to pay attention to what he does when he thinks you’re not paying attention. Am I the relationship expert? No way. These are just a few questions I ask myself about him that I have found to be useful:

1. What kind of company does he keep?

This first clue is probably the most obvious of the 5, but it still allows you to pick up on things that he may not ordinarily disclose to you. I don’t hang out with foolish and petty people because I don’t see myself as wanting to dwell on being neither foolish nor petty. I don’t hang out with homosexuals because I’m against homosexuality. I don’t hang with whores because I’m not a whore. One of the biggest life lessons that I’ve learned over and over again is that if the company I keep isn’t contributing to me being a better person, even when I’m not making an effort to be the best me that I can, I shouldn’t be around those people. If your guy is surrounding himself with people doing the same old stuff, he’s never going to be able to break away from the pack and do things that actually make sense. He may not be the biggest whore in the group, but I can guarantee you that they won’t discourage his whore-ish behavior. If they are a group of pretentious assholes, and your guy tells you he’s the only one that’s different from his friends, chances are he’s a pretentious liar of an asshole.

2. Is he over-protective of his sister?

Normally, a woman would want to know how her suitor treats his mother in order to gauge how he would treat his mate. This test is a sure fail every time. In my 25 years, I’ve only met one man who has not treated his mother well, and this includes the guys who have crackheads for mothers. A guy will usually always treat his mother well, especially if she’s a single parent, and especially if he doesn’t have a comparable relationship with his father. If you want to know how men treat the women in their lives, take a look at how he treats his sister. If he is over-protective of her, chances are he’s a promiscuous womanizer. These are the guys that have had many women in their beds, and try to protect their sisters from men such as themselves. The brother who loves his sister, has her back, but let’s her breathe trusts her to make good choices, in spite of the elements around her. He knows that there are slutty guys out there that may prey on his sibling, but he is comforted by the trust that he has in her, and will respect her as a woman. If he respects his sister as a woman, he’ll respect his woman as his woman.

3. Why does he like his favorite sports team more than all the rest?

Personally, I don’t trust any Cowboys fans that reside in Washington, D.C., and believe you me, there are a whole lot of them. My best guess is that about 75% of Dallas fans have no true ties to Dallas, to  Texas, to excessively fried foods, or to any member of the team. The reason they love the Cowboys, is because they have no other way to show the utmost disrespect to and disdain for Washington’s home team, the Redskins. They just have a desire to be different for the sake of being different. In my eyes, this translates to an insecurity. People who are different than the norm don’t choose to be, they just are. The ones who try to be different for the sake of being unique are insecure and desire acceptance. I have no doubt in my mind that these Cowboys fans without ties to Texas who reside in D.C. may be some of the same people who wear sunglasses in the club, pledge Greek, and buy attire with overwhelming Gucci symbols ALL OVER them. Instead, try a man who favors his home team, whoever they may be, or favors a particular player that isn’t Lebron James. If your boo boo biscuit is loyal to a team, he better have a damn good reason!

4. Is his favorite drink one that has pineapple juice in it?

I think I’ve made it pretty evident in previous posts that I don’t like men who have questionable masculinity. If we’re out having drinks and he and I both order drinks that come with the same pineapple and cherry garnish, there’s a big problem. Huge. Furthermore, if he orders something like Grand Marnier with pineapple juice, a fruit flavored liquor with the sweetest of juices, I have to question how much bitchassness he’s working with. Again, this is not an occassional drink that I’m referring to, I’m talking about his go-to drink, just as mine is Jack and Coke all day, every day. Now don’t get me wrong. Pineapple juice is a very tasty treat that nature has provided us, and it doesn’t make any man less of a man to drink it. It’s good for you. But if you’re going to taint its goodness with alcohol, at least put some gin in that mofo!

5.  Does he sit through your weekend chick-show marathons?

Granted, I have previously stated that any man who can learn to watch my favorite TV shows and movies is a winner in my book. However, I’m referring to the all day marathons of America’s Next Top Model, Real Housewives of Everywhere, Say Yes to The Dress and anything else on Oxygen and/or Lifetime. Some women might appreciate a guy who will sit quietly while you watch Eva freak out about her tarantula photo shoot for the 17th time, but not me. I might not mind it too much the first time since my control over the TV is always limited. But at  some point, I’m going to ask if there’s something else he should be doing other than being up under me all damn day. Better yet, at what point is he going to finally speak up and ask  to have his balls back your permission to watch something else? I don’t want my man to be the girlfriend I can lay in pajamas with all day while he offers his opinion that NeNe is the fiercest housewife. Go grill something, mow something, or fix something.

Where to Take a Date in DC

I don’t know any woman who doesn’t like to go on dates, even if not on a regular basis. I think it’s a well known fact that we are emotional creatures, and love to be romanced. No woman who will ever tire of being swept off her feet. Every now and then, its nice to get away from the traditional dinner and a movie, bowling, etc. and do something different and exciting. I appreciate a night in or a visit to the local sports bar just as much as the next gal, but if I can’t ever do anything outside of the norm, chances are I’ll get bored. Its not only important to do something different from time to time, but its just as important that you are able to enjoy doing these things with the person you enjoy spending your time with. Its not enough that you’d go along to make me happy, because I can guarantee that if you’re not having a good time, your attitude will show and spoil the evening. Then we’re both pissed. 

So, I have compiled a list of ideas for somewhat-out-of-the-box dates that I’ve either planned with someone or would like to do myself. The first five are dates that I planned and took my last guy on. I needed reinforcements for this one, so a couple are not my own ideas, but those of my girlfriends. It was so interesting to see how women responded when I asked about the cool dates they’ve been on. Most of the date reflections were almost non-existent, and with a bitter outlook. Evidently, I’m not the only one who would like to have a guy plan something for her based on what he knows about her in order to see her happy. Custom-planned dates go a long way because the thought that has to go into them says a lot about how a guy views his gal, even if there isn’t a whole lot of money going into it. Well, here it is:

1. Picnic on the mall.

I haven’t been on a picnic on the Mall, but I did take my last guy to the Lincoln Monument for a moonlight picnic a few years back. The way the monuments are lit up at night really set the scene for a very romantic evening. We got hot chocolate (hot apple cider for me), stopped at Fuddruckers, and ate our food on a blanket in front of the reflecting pool. This probably would’ve been executed a little better if we weren’t being bitch-slapped with Mother Nature’s icy-cold hand, but it was still a great time, and we probably would’ve stayed longer if it weren’t so cold.

2. Ice skating in the sculpture garden.

I love to ice skate. I’m no Michelle Kwan, but I do pretty well on my blades and try to go at least once every winter. There are a couple of places that you can go to ice skate in the metro area, but I particularly enjoy the scenery of an afternoon at the Sculpture Garden on the Mall. Because its downtown, there are plenty of places to eat afterward, and other after-skating activities to do that are close by. Not only is it fun, but it’s usually pretty cheap, maybe $10 or so.

3. Museum tour.

Not only do I feel it imperative to see all the historical sights that the Nation’s Capital has to offer when you’re a resident of the area, but it’s actually a pretty neat thing to do with great company. Even if you’re not a huge museum buff, there’s usually something to intrigue everyone, regardless of what your interests are. Walking through museums is a great time to talk and get to know someone, because your attention isn’t constantly on something else as it would be during a movie. If nothing else, they’re free!

4. Paddle boating.

Best $8 date I’ve ever been on. There are paddle boats for rent downtown, where you can paddle in the Tidal Basin around the Jefferson memorial. If you don’t mind a light workout, this is another prime opportunity to talk, take some pictures, take in the great weather, and visit a historical site in a different way.

5. Dinner on the Odyssey/Spirit of Washington.

Dinner cruises are a nice way to have a different type of dining experience. if you’re not a fan of the cheesy singers and dancers after the meal, the front of the boat provides a very intimate and romantic setting to talk and take in the view of the DC skyline lit up against the Potomac. Besides, if you’ve ever been to a club in DC, you’d know that ladies like to get dressed up. Very rarely do we get to break out a semi-formal cocktail dress, go all out with hair and make-up, and feel like a princess for the night.

6. National Harbor.

If nothing else, the National Harbor provides a different environment to do the things that you would normally do on a date, and adds a touch of romanticism. Maybe its the water? Either way, dinner, shopping, entertainment, all rolled into one little isle. There’s always something going on at The Gaylord Hotel, from indoor snow at Christmas to Cirque du Soleil, to the many restaurants they have to offer. I wouldn’t mind a traditional dinner and movie date if we were at the Harbor.

7. Aquarium.

Daytime dates are A-ok with me. A nice activity folowed by lunch, or another activity is all good in my book, especially since I’m not one to atay up or out late if it doesn’t involve loud music, over-priced liquor, and grinding on strangers. The aquarium is cool. I haven’t been to the one in DC yet, but the aquarium in Baltimore is awesome. I don’t know why there will always be a part of us that never wants to grow up, but the children in us like to experience the interaction with the marine life, and the aquarium is the perfect place to let your inner Bebe kid run free. Again, there’s plenty to talk about, and nothing that takes your attention for extended periods of time., which opens the door for great conversation.

8. Zoo.

The zoo is like the aquarium on steroids. If you can’t take pictures like a flamingo with the flamingoes, admire the humping lions, and question why there are no animals in most parts of the damn zoo, then maybe you just don’t believe in fun. Or maybe I have a different idea of what fun is because I grew up in the suburbs where we would often go to Wal-Mart after the $1 movie to spend the rest of the evening. Either way, chicks like the zoo. There’s plenty of room to play, be silly, and enjoy the company of your companion.

9. Kennedy Center.

If you can’t afford (or just don’t like) the Opera, The Symphony Orchestra, or Mamma Mia!, there are several other stages and a plethora of displays of artistic expressions that you can enjoy. If you go on the weekend, there are free performances that you can see that are in my opinion, EXCELLENT. And, they’re open 365 days a year. That’s every day. Even if you’re not a huge fan of the arts, its nice to see something different every now and then that doesn’t involve Chris Brown being chased for 32 city blocks, drunk guys stealing mike Tyson’s pet tiger, or Tyler Perry giving family life lessons as a cross-dressing senior citizen.

10. Winery.

This is something that I haven’t experienced, but I can imagine that it would be great fun, and I’d love to do it. I REPEAT: I WOULD LOVE TO DO IT (THIS IS DIRECTED AT NOBODY IN PARTICULAR, BUT IF YOU’VE REAPED THE BENEFITS OF ME SLAVING OVER YOUR STOVE SEVERAL TIMES WITHIN THE LAST FEW MONTHS AND WATCHED THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN ON NBATV WHILE I MISSED NEW EPISODES OF HOUSE, ALL  IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU CAN GO TO BED HAPPY, AND I DO MEAN HAPPY, PLEASE TAKE NOTE. ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE AFRICAN. AND LIKE BASKETBALL). My former roommate took a date to a winery in Virginia where they took a tour, had lunch, and made their own wine. I mean, who doesn’t want to learn about and taste wine on a date?! Especially if you learn which foods to pair the different kinds of wine with. I’d probably give this one a thumbs up. If I ever went. Just sayin.

11. Horseback riding in Rock Creek Park.

When I say horseback riding, I don’t mean Seabiscuit-style equestrian races, I mean a slow trail ride through the park. Again, something totally different that most people wouldn’t think is available to do in the city. Even if you’ve never been on a horse before, a trail ride can be mastered by even the most novice of riders. How about horseback riding, and then a picnic in the park under a tree, by a stream? By the way, Rock Creek Park is HUGE. There are several secluded places to go, and enjoy the company of your date without being disturbed by large crowds. If you’re still there at dusk, you can see the deer come out to eat as you drive by. Very cool.

What Grinds My Gears: Got a Whole List

Whenever I’m unable to come up with a piece that I think is good enough to post to this blog, I go through the plethora of drafts to see if there’s anything common to all of them that I can use to write about. This time around, I had a lot of drafts about things that were bothering me at the time that I wrote them. Some old, some new, some here, some there. Anywho, behold my list of random things that grind my gears:

1. Thick girls. When are they going out of style? We non-plus-size, non-booty holders are ready to make a come-back!

2. Stores in the outlet mall that aren’t outlets. If I want regularly priced clothes, I’ll go to the regular mall.

3. Fast food employees that forget to put my sauce in the bag. Don’t forget the sauce for my chicken nuggets, or I’ll burn this place down.

4. Fat people who wear scrubs…….I’m judging you and so is the rest of the world.

5. Bartenders that ask for tips. I WAS going to leave you a tip on my credit card when I closed my tab, but now I’m just going to flip you a nickel, you greedy prick. In fact, I should crack your mofo forehead just for disrespecting me like that.

6. Bartenders that refuse to serve me because my California ID has a Maryland address. Lady, I will ruin your life tonight if you don’t fix that Jack and Coke like I asked you to. Word? The DMV wouldn’t print an ID like this? DO YOU WORK FOR THE CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES???

7. Female friends of my male roommate that would be in the bathroom in the morning when I’m trying to get ready for work. Ma’am, I need you to take your ho bath at home, I’m on a schedule here.

8. TSA officers that won’t let me take my non-liquid hair care products in my carry-on. Is this really a matter of national security, sir? You think I’m gonna grease somebody to death if they don’t give me command of the plane?

9. Humidity. I’m a Black girl with Black girl hair. The end.

10. People who chew with their mouths open and/or make noise when they eat.

11. Football season.

12. How the last half of my gas tank goes faster than a freshly broken twenty dollar bill.

13. Cat calls and lousy pick-up lines: “The color combination you have on would make good wedding colors.”

14. Children kicking and screaming, people coughing and sneezing, endless chatter, odorly elderly, sub-zero temperatures, overpriced snacks…….welcome to flight 556 with non-stop service to Los Angeles. 

15. My emotional rant during a black out this summer:

As if today couldn’t get any worse, the power just went out. No TV, no music, no phone charger. Just me alone with my thoughts. Scary. I often create distractions so I don’t have to focus on the things that take me out of my comfort zone, and to have them all stripped away without my consent has me feeling unglued. Sure there are other ways to occupy my time without the use of electronics, but all of the alternatives force me to think. Not to sound like the dumb-dumb who doesn’t wanna think and just wants to watch TV, but unfortunately for me, all I can think about is the one thing that I’m trying to escape. Even now as I’m writing, I’m subject to the captivity of my mind and what it can’t seem to stop talking about. How weird is that, considering this is supposed to be a way for me to constructively occupy my time and take my thoughts away from my troubles. Writing is therapeutic. Well, its supposed to be. I’m not feeling the healing. I’m feeling the manifestation of unwanted emotion. Its been about half an hour now, and I’m still without electricity. I’m still without power. No electricity. No power.

An Incomplete List of Things I Wish I’d Completed…

Its my personal belief that I’m a very intelligent and talented person. Always have been. My problem is that I’ve never focused on anything long enough to master it or sometimes even complete it. For that reason, I’m willing to bet that this post won’t reach its final destination.

1. Ballet/Tap.

I’m convinced that this is where my habit of leaving things incomplete began. I’m not sure how long I went to ballet/tap rehearsals before I dropped out, but I do know I never made it to my first recital. In my defense, my mother went back to work and was unable to continue to take me to rehearsals, so I couldn’t do it anymore. Although I’d considered it, I’ll probably never pick up either again. But I’ll never forget my shuffle-shuffle-tap combo.

2. Drums.

Most kids get to an age where they want to start experimenting with instruments if their parents haven’t forced them to already. I considered the alto sax, piano, and clarinet. I learned how to play Sweet Jesus on the piano, then landed on drums. I’d like to think that I was just that out of the ordinary as a 10-year old girl, but truth be told, I wanted to play because my brother wanted to play. So, my parents bought us a great set complete with a hi-hat, snare, 2 toms, floor tom, and 2 cymbals. Needless to say, it was pretty hot. We even had lessons. I learned how to do a few basic beats, learned how to read music, and even got some practice in at church. Sure, with any instrument, you have to practice to achieve mastery. But with the drums, you’re using 2 hands, 2 feet, all while trying to stay on beat. This lasted for about 4 months before I gave it up. Practice was one reason, but the girl drummer doesn’t get as much show time at church as the actual grown-up and teenage boy drummers. So I said screw it and started sewing.

3. Sewing.

Now this is something that I never followed through with but will probably pick up again in the very near future. Sewing has got to be one of the easiest things to excel in. You have a machine, scissors (not just any scissors, specifically fabric scissors), and a pattern? Boom! You’ve got a fly ass dress! I used to make clothes, window treatments, doll clothes, pot holders, pillow cases, placemats, and the list goes on. If it’s made of fabric, I can make it.  I didn’t have just any SINGER machine, I had a serger. You know how you get that cool as loopy design at the hem of your garment? Serger, son.

4. Cheerleading.

Not only was I a cheerleader, but I was the tallest, biggest, strongest, and the only Black chick on the squad. Talk about standing out. Now when I say big and strong, I was 5’10”, and weighed a cool ass buck-twenty five. Soaking wet. Apparently when you wear a size 6, you’re the big girl on the squad. I said all that to say that even though I tried to blend in, I couldn’t, so whatever I did, EVERYONE noticed. With that said, I made it my mission to be a good ass cheerleader. I always got to do the cool ass Bring it On Style stunts, danced the best, and became a staple for anyone needing to be thrown 25 feet in the air. I quit after my second year because I had to buckle down to focus on getting into college. For me, this meant trading in my 6am practice for an extra language course. Had I known that I was going to the nigga school that is Howard University that accepted me without an admissions essay, I would’ve stuck with cheerleading.

5. Drama.

Quitting drama is probably one of my biggest regrets in life so far. I absolutely loved theater, and was pretty damn good at it. Like REALLY good at it. I could go into a rant of how talented I am, but anyone who knows me in real life knows that I’m a pretty foolish character. Let’s just say that this translates into EXCELLENCE in an organized thespian setting. You know how moms have intuition when it comes to which areas in life you should consider more than others? Well my mom thought I should either be an actress, lawyer, or special needs teacher. Mama knows best.

6. Crochet.

This is a craft I picked up in college. I used to sit as a lobby monitor in one of the male freshman dorms, which can get to be pretty freakin boring. So, whenI wasn’t doing homework, watching the 4 channels on the 13″ TV, or talking to the residents who lingered around my desk, I was crocheting. I started an afghan that later turned into a long ass scarf, a scarf that later turned into a potholder, and a bunch of pieces with different designs and patterns that would one day be used for some other project. Not only does crocheting demand rigorous consistency in tension, but it demands a great deal of patience. Patience is a virtue I have yet to master. But one day, I’m going to finish all of the projects of soft yarn that I set out to finish 5 years ago.

7. Veganism.

Changing my lifestyle was the easy part. Trying to afford all of the non-animal/animal bi-products is a hard pill to swallow. This is something I haven’t completely given up on, but can’t fully commit to until I am in a different stage of my life. First, I tried vegetarianism, then realized that vegetarianism doesn’t make any damn sense. Especially for the ones who still eat seafood. What the fuck is that? To all of my vegetarian brothers and sisters in the world, I leave these three words: Read a book. Thank you.

8. Photo albuming.

The summer before I left for school, I bought a photo album, and made it my new project to put all of my loose photos into an album in (somewhat) sequential order. As it was my last summer at home with my friends and my last opportunity to cut up the way that only we could, I didn;t have much time for anything other than trips to Six Flags, partying, $1 movies, and church. So, I decided to take it with me to school to finish when I got homesick. I never got homesick. 7 years later, I still have yet to put one damn picture in that album. In fact, when I moved to Silver Spring last weekend, I made sure to put everything in a bag with the things I’d have to access regularly, just so I’ll force myself to feel bad for procrastinating.

9. Photography.

Another hobby I wish I would’ve kept up with. I became very fond of photography in high school, and even considered going to a College of Photography. Then I remembered that trade school was like Devry. Everyone ACTS like they’re so proud that you’re doing something with your life, when they’re relly rolling their eyes at your shortcomings. And by shortcomings, I mean your poor selection of post-high school studies. So, I decided I’d just buy a fly ass camera, and take a couple photography classes when I got to Howard. Little did I know, when you major in International Business, there’s no room in your scheme to blow your nose, let alone take a class outside of your major.

10. Exercise.

A never ending battle between my mind, appetite, and my skinny genes.

Random Rants: Take it From Me, Kiddo….

I still have a lot more living to do, but I’d like to think that in my 25 years I have experienced a few things that have raised questions, eyebrows, and discussion. This isn’t one of my lighter posts, because frankly, I’m having a bad fuckin day. I could go into details, but I’ll spare you in hopes that you’ll return for the next post. I digress. So here’s a list of a couple things that I’ve been thinking about that weren’t worthy of their own individual posts:

1. If you don’t want to offend me, please don’t offer me the things that you think taste delicious, that are in fact bizarre and disgusting. This includes, but is not limited to: YOUR macaroni & cheese, YOUR potato salad, anything curry (it looks gross), any meat that’s not chicken, turkey, or beef (especially goat), chicken strips without dipping sauce, and anything that has the consistency of custard (i.e. flan). Take it from me kiddo, I will offend you, yo mama, yo Aunt Debbie,  and anyone else who tries to serve me such foolishness.

2. Maybe you shouldn’t get wasted if you don’t intend on giving your gal your ex-girlfriend’s number to text at 4am. Take it from me kiddo, you’re setting yourself up for some unwanted banter between your ex and your new gal (If your new gal is REALLY diggin you, she may even let this one slide).

3. If you find yourself going through a time in your life where you feel things can’t possibly get any worse, have a drink and write it down. Take it from me kiddo, it will make coping so much easier.

4. Lately when I’ve gone out, I’ve seen some pretty outrageous attire and/or accessories that should be outlawed. For example, please leave your bike shorts, measuring tape, crutches, and overly-popped-to-display-your-designer-logo collars at home. Take it from me kiddo, you look like a baffoon.

5. Do NOT grab my thigh when I’m walking down the street, and then call me a dumb bitch because I told you to get your fuckin hands off of me.   ESPECIALLY in front of the police station, and ESPECIALLY if you don’t want me to call my daddy. Take it from me kiddo, you will surely get fucked up.

6.  The anticipation of waiting for the green light on your phone to light up is intoxicating. Whether you’re waiting for a call, text message, or IM, when it’s from the one that you want to hear from the most, that little light will drive you bananas. We even put our phones in our pockets/purses/cases, so we aren’t taunted, but that never lasts long. You always “think” you felt it vibrate and have to check it again. Take it from me kiddo, either turn that light off or take the battery out.

7. The next time you should happen to visit The Cheesecake Factory, do not order cheesecake. Order the strawberry shortcake. Take it from me kiddo, that shit will change your life.

8. Dating is never out of style. By dating, I mean planning and going on a date. It makes a woman feel much less like a nag when her beaux initiates and puts thought into an outing for the two of them. Quiet nights at home are always nice, but every now and again, it’s a great idea to treat her to a night (or day) out that doesn’t include a routine activity or venue. Something that shows there was some thought put into the planning especially for her based on what you know she likes.  Is it corny? Maybe. Take it from me kiddo (and by kiddo, I’m referring especially to the one that I had this conversation with recently. You know who you are, you dumb boy, you), take her on a date. She’ll always remember it.  

9. I’d like to add a ninth and tenth to the list, but my mind can’t seem to fathom more than eight. So, the end.

Things about men that turn me on

I was reading Jozen’s blog one day as I do every day right before I leave work, and read a few things from a list of turn-ons that he compiled that completely caught me by surprise. I never would’ve thought that men would ever admire some of the items on the list. So, I decided to make a list of my own to see if it had the same effect on the opposite sex. Comments from both genders are welcome. Here goes……

1. Basketball players. They’re usually taller than I, even when I wear my tallest heels, which at 5’10” is no easy task. They also have the best bodies. Lean and cut, not too muscular or husky like football players.

2. A man who also turns the music on and dances around his room when he thinks nobody’s looking. There’s nothing better than peeking in while a man is tryna get his Chris Brown on. And when he sees that I’ve been admiring his attempts through the cracked door…….priceless.

3. Good in the kitchen. Particularly one who can make a decent lasagna and/or strawberry shortcake. They’re my favorite. I haven’t found one yet, but my tummy says he’s out there.

4. Guys with unisex names. A masculine man with a less than masculine name is extremely sexy. Big up to Sidney Poitier and Blair Underwood. Nicknames are pretty hot too.

5. Good with his hands. I’m pretty handy when it comes to tightening screws or hanging pictures, but I’ll never be able to install a ceiling fan, adjust my plumbing, or change the oil in my car. If I can WATCH my man work and have him even show me a thing or two, chances are I will be making tacos that night. After all, who wouldn’t want to be The Maintenance Man?

6. Keeps a clean bedroom. I can maintain the cleanliness of my car, and the rest of my house, but I absolutely HATE cleaning my room and I refuse to make my bed. If he can take charge of that one thing to make my load lighter, he’s in. 

7. A drinker. Sipping whiskey is very awkward when my date is having strawberry lemonade.

8. One who compliments and complements me. To let me know that I’m “so beautiful” when I feel like I look like something out of The Jungle Book still makes me blush and gives me butterflies. Taking the arm of someone to show the world that “I’m with him” gives me the same feeling I would have as a kid when I found out we were having McDonald’s for dinner. 

9. An artist. I will drop my draws for most singers, musicians, actors, poets, or anyone who has respect for the arts. I especially like pianists, guitarists, drummers, poets, and singers who sound Tyrese or Eric Benet-ish.

10. An accent of some sort. Particularly a Southern or NY accent. This excludes DC, West Indian, African, and most, but not all international dialects. I get jealous of people with an established culture based on where all, if not most of their family originates. My family were slaves. Our culture is based on Christianity, minstrel shows, dogs and fire hoses, and greens & cornbread.

Lists: Undateable Men

 I wasn’t even aware that this list existed until I added someone to it the other night. Although detailed (enough), this list does not include the obvious exclusions to include: gay men (gayness is determined at my discretion), mean/women-beaters, the stinky, dirty, uncouth, loud, and/or ghetto.

1. Military guys. This is the latest addition to the list and comes as a shocker to even myself. It has just been my experience that guys in the military are usually not so bright, don’t have great conversation, and try their best to maintain their street mentality when in civilian clothes, which is ironically the main reason they usually enlist—-to get out of the hood. On the bright side, you know that a man in uniform always has a secure job with good pay. And they’re always well-traveled.

2. Mom’s friend’s kids. Usually the men that my mom tries to hook me up with are corny and the exact opposite of what I’m looking for. This is even more true when it comes to her co-worker’s/church people’s/friend’s kids. You can bet that they’re usually very intelligent, and polite enough to woo the heart of mom. They’re also usually not that great looking, inexperienced or underexperienced in the bedroom, and way too uptight. Thanks mom, but I’ve got this under control.

3. Guys with kids. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a man having children, and in 2009, it’s pretty common. I love kids. I neither judge these men, nor think any less of them. I just don’t date them. It’s just a much more pleasant ride when there isn’t another woman that is guaranteed to be involved, whether its a drama-filled situation or not. There’s no getting around the fact that there is a woman who absolutely has her say, and in some case even dictates a portion of this man’s life. In many cases, the child’s mother isn’t even a bitch, and it’s not a messy situation. But in some cases, it is. Thanks doll, but I’ll pass.

4. Men that haven’t been locked up at some point. Ok, ok, I know how this sounds. This isn’t so much of a preference as it is a coincidence that turned into an occassional bonus. It’s not about them having a “bad boy” image that most naiive women are attracted to at all. A man that’s been to jail (I’ll let juvie slide) is usually much more protective and assertive than a man who hasn’t. What woman doesn’t want a man she can feel safe with? Now when I say jail, I’m not talking about the ones that have done time for rape, murder, or anything like that. You know, maybe a misdemeanor or two. Fighting, Posession (without intent to distribute), Petty theft, stuff like that. Don’t need a Mike Tyson or Shuge Knight.

5. Fat men (includes former fat men). Aside from the fact that I don’t like to feel anyone’s stomach pressed up against me, I think fat people are (usually) lazy and don’t care much about their appearance. I included former fat people for another reason. I refuse to eat at the same table where a fat person (or former fat person) is eating. Rude? Maybe. But that shit is disgusting to me. If I have to watch and/or listen to a fat person eat, I will surely lose it. They have a hard time breathing as it is without shoveling mountains of food into their mouths. So what do they do? Breathe even harder, chew with their mouths open, suck their teeth, and lick their chubby fingers. Eww.

6. Mama’s boys. This should be obvious. Men who respect their mothers and look to them for advice on life’s challenges recognize that maybe they haven’t quite figured the world out and require some guidance. Cool. Men who let their mothers dictate how their lives are run are weak. (See # 13) Often enough, the mothers are attempting to control the lives of their sons. For example, my ex longs for his mother like a fat kid longs for sugar. That shit is disgusting. Too many times when we were together I wanted to tell him to, “Wipe your mouth and get off the tit.” But of course, that’s not very nice to say. I just can’t see myself with a man who will not stand up to be a man.

7. Guys that don’t know God. My relationship with God is the foundation for how I strive to live my life today, and how I will make decisions tomorrow. If my companion is not on the same flight, I’m going to have to leave him behind at the layover point, because we’re not traveling to the same destination. Period.

8. Men 5’9″ or shorter. I’m 5’10” in flat shoes, and 6’2″ when I wear most of my heels. I don’t think any less of a man shorter than I, its just something that I will be constantly reminded of, which can easily take my focus off of more important things.

9. Men who wear shades indoors and/or wear long chains. Now I’m only a product of 1985, but I believe there was a term frequently used to describe such people. Posers. In my opinion, those lacking celeb status who wear shades indoors with over-sized chains are looking to be accepted. This also means they’re looking for attention. Which ultimately means they have a low self-image and/or low self-esteem. I’m no life coach.

10. Jobless (blue collar is ok with me). I thought twice before posting this one, but it is absolutely a requirement. Does it make me a gold-digger to want someone bringing something (no matter how small) to the table? Absolutely not. I’m not looking for a sponsor, but someone who can pick up the tab here and there is a plus.

11. Men without a car. A car is not a requirement for shallow reasoning. A car is a requirement because I’ve experienced having to drive everywhere, and frankly, I’d rather not. Out of town, dinner, the grocery store, the furniture store, late night, last minute, after public transportation has stopped running, too cold, too hot, too sick, too tired. All occassions in which a car is required, and thus, I have been forced to provide transportation. Happen not gonna.

12. Men with hair longer than mine. Men with long hair are high maintenance and are always usually self-absorbed. Delilah wasn’t havin that shit, and I’m not either.

13. SOFT MEN. This is a biggie. A woman like me will talk crazy to, dominate, and walk all over a man if he lets me. It works long enough to get what I need out of the situation, but it can’t last. I need to feel safe with the man I’m with. I need to feel like he will take control when it’s required, and let me be a woman, soft and feminine. There is nothing more unattractive to me than a man with no backbone. Especially a short, fat one.

14. Non-Black men. Not a prejudice, but a preference. We are naturally attracted to people similar to ourselves and what we know. I know Black people. There’s a shared history, culture, outlook, and experience with someone that looks like you. And Black men just happen to be the sexiest men alive.

15. Men who don’t like dogs, or more specifically, men who don’t like my dog. My dog is the man of my house. If you can’t get with it, we have nothing more to talk about. I will not lock him up or hold him back as you tremble and trip over furniture. This is now and will always be his house, and you are a mere visitor.

16. Men that don’t dress well. There’s nothing sexier than a man who knows how to hang a suit. A clean-cut, polished man who can coordinate his clothes to look not only presentable, but sharp is ok in my book. Long gone are the days where the men that I date wear pants that hang too low, shirts that are too big, and clothes that require a fresh press. I take pride in my appearance. So does my man.

17. Men without a sense of humor and intellect. These two personality traits are critical. Someone who is informed, a free-thinker, open to perspective and criticism is someone who I can learn from and grow with, and will add value to my life. Someone who can make me laugh will never fail.

18. Men who take pictures of themselves in the bathroom mirror. This really should be in the top 5. I wish I could be there to see these men taking 30 pictures of various poses, shades on and all, and then sorting through to delete the less than star-quality flicks…….all on their camera-phone. WTF? Please get someone to take your picture, use a webcam, or use the auto/delay feature on your digital camera. When I’m doing my facebook/myspace background check, I do not want to see you holding your camera in the mirror with your eyes focused on the wrong image. Lame.