Posts Tagged ‘ marriage ’

A Stroll Down Memory Lane

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been what people call a hoarder. I never wanted to get rid of anything, because I never wanted to lose whatever memory it held, good or bad, and I always wanted to remember exactly how I felt in that moment. We’re talking movie ticket stubs, stuffed animals, class schedules, notes I’d received from friends between classes, even copies of letters that I’ve written to other people. Lately, I’ve been trying to clean house and get rid of a lot of things that I have no need for. It started with all of my belongings that I packed up at my parents’ house when I went away to school. I threw away so many things that probably once had some meaning, but are now insignificant reminders of my childhood. Then, I moved on to my junk drawer filled with old bank statements, unfiled taxes, and a bunch of unsent thank you cards from my high school and college graduations (sorry, mom). Finally, I moved on to my electronic junk. Old term papers and assignments, notices and fliers for the dorm, and emails. I pulled my old Yahoo! account and began to read old emails that would evetually end up in a cyber landfill.

What better place to begin than the folder with all of the emails received from my college boyfriend? Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a time-to-do-away-with-all-that-triflin-asshole’s-emails type of thing. To this day, he and I are still really good friends and neither of us have any ill feelings toward the other. It was almost entertaining to go back in time and try to remember what was happening at the time each letter was written, and to try and remember what state of mind I was in when I first read them. To reflect on talk of exams, football games, dorm activities, and our favorite hangouts definitely took me for a stroll down memory lane.  What was most amusing was to read the letters sent during or just after a fight we’d had. The fights and the letters all seemed so intense at the timee, but now I’m left with the question, WHAT WERE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT???  Aside from the fact that most of what we argued about was so trivial and juvenile, at the time it seemed like war of the worlds. All of our feelings had that same intensity. We talked to each other like we, at 18 knew everything about the world around us and there was nothing that could come between the love we had for one another. We were so certain hat we would marry, but realistically even if we didn’t, we knew that our love would always be with the other.

After completing the last email, my first thought was that we have both changed and grown up so much since then, and I began to wonder how we couldn’t see how immature we were at the time. Then I wondered if 5 years from now, I’ll be asking myself that same question about things that seem to be so serious to me in my dealings with men today.

Are the things that I think are life or death-type feelings at (almost) 26 just as silly as I now feel things were when I was 18? Is what I’m upset about really that big of a deal? Am I able to see various situations for what they really are without letting my intense feelings steer me away from reality? Well, I’d certainly like to think that I am a rational, mature thinker, but I guess I won’t really know the answer until I look back at my blog 5 years from now.  I’d hate to think that the feelings I have and the things I go through that seriously hurt my feelings are trivial and will one day be disregarded just like my old movie ticket stubs. Since its very possible that the feelings I have may one day mean nothing to me, should I even continue to invest more of myself into them? Then again, when will I know when its okay to give 100% toward a lasting romance? Will I ever know, or is everything in the hands of faith and fate? Conflicted.

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My Broom List

You’ve heard of a Bucket List, well allow me to introduce my Broom List: A list of things I want to do before I jump the broom. Most of the things on my list are things that I probably can do after I get married, but that I should take advantage of while I’m young and don’t have to answer to anyone but myself. When I get married (and have kids), I’m going to have my husband and children to answer to, and won’t always be able to put myself first. Wives and mothers have to make sacrifices to keep the family running as it should, because in my old-school mind, the wife and mother is what keeps order in the household. So before I make selfless sacrifices for the ones that I will love more than anyone else, I’m going to do me for a bit.

1. Have sex on a beach.

What is it about doing the wrong thing that intrigues people to do what they know will have less than favorable consequences? This is especially true when it comes to matters of sex. I can’t call it, but taboo sex is one sure way to make the experience not only memorable, but amazing. In my opinion, the best form of taboo sex would be lying on a warm beach under the moonlight with my beau. Sure it may sound cliche, but so is milk and cookies. Doesn’t mean I’m going to stop having milk and cookies to avoid the cliche.

2. Drop 10 pounds and get into Ciara shape.

Make no mistake, I may drink like a fish and eat like I’m storing up for the winter, but I’m no fatty. Granted, I’m still not in the best shape of my life either. So, before I walk down the aisle, before I put on gobs of pregnancy weight, before I get old, I’m going to drop a few pounds and tone up in hopes of looking like Ciara. Tall, lean, long-legged, and no booty. I think this could actually be done ina matter of 60 days if I actually focused and stayed consistent. At this point in my life I’m not obligated or committed to anyone, so if I want to look like a plain Jane or big mama, I’m allowed. Probably won’t get me very far, but the point is that I could if I wanted to. As a wife, you have a responsibility to be a hot piece of ass that any man would want to come home to. Period. Once I get there, my vanity will not allow me to stray away, and I’m just gonna have to maintain and preserve my sexy. 

3. Cut my hair.

It has been my experience that most (Black) guys never want you to cut your hair, and never want you to wear fake hair. They want you to have long, natural, uncolored and untainted hair. These same men have absolutely no clue what its like to maintain long, natural Black girl hair. That ish ain’t easy, fast or cheap. I’ve never been a fan of cutting my own hair anyway, but sometimes I get in these moods where I just want to do something outrageous. There may come a time where that feeling leads me to chop my mane.  If I’m going to ever weave it up (I won’t cuz weaves are gross), braid it up, chop it off, or color it pink, I’m going to make an effort to do it on my own time.

4. Take a cruise.

Maybe its just the men that I’ve dealt with, but it seems almost impossible to get a guy to go on a cruise with me. This is something I’ve wanted to do since college, but could never convince my guy to roll. To me, a cruise is something I could do with my girlfriend(s), but I’d rather do with a man.

5. Take (barely) nude photos.

There’s a little woman that lives inside of me that likes to believe she’s abstract. She likes art. She loves music, wine, dance, and theater. She’s an actress. She’s a poet. She’s a songstress. She likes tattoos. She’s not afraid to pose nude for pictures just for the heck of it, only to be seen by her own eyes. I’m not saying this chick has to die before I jump the broom, but she definitely has to tone down some things a bit. I can’t see the type of guy that I want to marry being ok with me taking my clothes off for anyone but him, whether in the name of art, , life, or Jerome. He don’t play that. Single me wants 2 more tattoos and wants to pose nude one more time, just for the heck of it. Married me will keep up the rest of the abstract activities, like writing poetry, going to see live bands, and art exhibits.

6. Retire from alcoholism.

Anyone who knows me or has ever read anything I’ve written knows that I’m a drunkaholic. I like to go out and drink, I like to stay in and drink, I like to wake up and drink. I drink when I’m happy, I drink when I’m sad, I drink when I’m bored. I drink to rid myself of headaches, cramps, the blues, and stress. I drink with company, I drink alone. I drink here, I drink there. I drink in a house, with a mouse, in a box, with a fox. I drink. To be quite honest, I want 4 or 5 children, and I’m absolutely terrifed. 36-45 months without a single sip of anything alcoholic scares the living crap out of me? Someone may want to give CPS a heads up, because I just don’t know if not drinking during pregnancy is a promise I can keep. I make light of all the drinking I do, because it looks worse than it actually is 😉 . Whether you believe that or not, I am aware that the heavy drinking will have to cease once I start that whole chold-bearing thing.

8. Get things right with the Big Guy.

In my opinion, I was brought up the right way. My parents instilled in me all of the good things that parents are supposed to from a moral and Biblical perspective. My brother and I were good kids, and we never got into major trouble. We could come and go as we please because my parents knew they could trust us, and because they put the fear of God and fear of beat downs in us. I decided to make some poor decisions and rebel a little once I reached adulthood, but that was my own doing, even though I knew better. I feel like my kids will be one step ahead of everyone else in life if they have the same religious values that I learned growing up. Even if you decide to stray away, those things mever go away, and you almost always revert back to them when in need, because you know they’ll never fail you. Certainly I’m not waiting until I get married to get my relationship with God where it ought to be, but I’m definitely going to have it solid before I welcome anyone else into my life.

How Single is Single Really?

I was trying to explain to my mom the other day what my current “situation” is when she asked about my personal life. I told her that “I’m dating, but not in a relationship.” She said that was the dumbest thing she had ever heard of and it doesn’t make any sense. She then asked that what my status would be if I were in a relationship but not yet married. I told her that “I’d be…….dating?” In her 52-year old mind, dating means you’re seeing just one guy, and the two of you have made an agreement to only see each other, otherwise known as a relationship. Then I got to thinking, what does it really mean to be dating and single? I have a friend who has been in a committed consistent relationship for a few years now who always hits on me when he’s been drinking. Every time that I remind him he has a girlfriend, he reminds me that his tax return says single, and he is thus….single. The first time he said that, I almost fell out of my seat. Once I thought about it, he made perfect sense.

In my 25-year old mind, there are four stages you go through before you marry someone. First, you’re friends. Friendship is probably the most simplistic and comprehendable stage. Nothing serious, no obligations, no hard feelings if it doesn’t go any further. The next stage is what I like to call a datingship. A datingship is when two people are more than friends, but haven’t made a formal commitment. There are still no obligations or promises made, but there’s usually an understanding of exclusivity. This is probably the most dangerous of the stages, as both parties are more vulnerable and can easily be hurt. No rules in a datingship. The third stage is a relationship. A mutually exclusive understanding that each person is only to do, say, and feel romantic things with the other person who has made the same commitment. If all three stages are successful, then comes marriage. No explanation necessary.

This brings me back to the conversation about taxes. If you’ve yet to be married, you are legally single, regardless of the “dating stage” you may claim to be in. So if you’re purely single before you’re married, why do we even bother with a datingship or relationship? Why not just go from being friends to being engaged? My grandparents were never in a relationship. They were engaged for 7 days, and then were married for 52 years before my Granddaddy passed this June. As I’m reading this back to myself, it sounds pretty complicated. But what can I say, I’m a woman. I over-analyze matters of romance. I guess the question I’m asking is how wrong was my taxpaying friend for completely disregarding his girlfriend for a chance to have the best sex of his life with me if he hasn’t made the ultimate commitment to her? Does it matter if it’s not legal? Does it matter if it’s not before God? Can you cheat on someone if he/she isn’t your spouse? Surely, he already has these questions answered if he was still so persistent with me. I’d be a fool to say to generalize his thoughts and actions to say that most if not all men think this way, but I can’t help but think that most women would probably disagree with his rationale. I also can’t help but think that most would tell this guy he has no business being in a relationship if he doesn’t know how to be faithful.

I have an opinion developed, but I thought my mother’s question paired with my taxpaying friend’s statement would make for an interesting conversation.