Posts Tagged ‘ resolutions ’

Dating in Perfect Harmony

It is a pretty well known fact that women are not always expressive, and thus tend to be reactive creatures. Think about it. How many times have you heard of or been in a scenario where a guy asks his gal a very simple, “What’s wrong?” and she almost always replies, “Nothing.”? We all know that this answer is almost always a lie, and the woman just may not be in the mood to discuss what’s on her mind. How many times has that woman then gone on to do something in retaliation of whatever the issue is that she refuses to discuss? It is my hope that one day, one man on this planet will be able to understand that the things she does to aggravate him are a direct result of something he did to aggravate her. So, in order to avoid confusion, I have comprised a sample list of things that a woman may do as a result of the things that her guy does, that she will never bring to his attention:
 
If you don’t ask what’s wrong with her DURING THE GAME, she won’t try and talk to you about her day during the game. She was going to wait until the end, because whatever she has to say can’t be explained during halftime, a time-out, or a commercial break. But you asked, and now you have to listen attentively as she tells you about the morons at work.

If you don’t turn her channel when you’re watching TV, she won’t change the radio station when she’s in your car. You know that feeling in your stomach that you had when she turned the dial at the climax of that Jay-Z song you like? She feels the same way when you reach for the remote right when the Housewives are about to break into a scuffle. Additionally, if you wait until she goes into the bathroom to change her channel, she will do the same thing to the radio station as soon as you step outside to pump the gas.

If you don’t put your crusty man feet on her, she won’t lick your eyeball. Both are extreme violations of one’s person, and any violator should be prepared for drastic repercussions.

If you don’t criticize the way she drives, she won’t criticize the way you fold your laundry or the way you make a sandwich. Know your role, and shut yo mug!

If you don’t criticize braids, weaves, color, and short haircuts, she won’t keep her hair wrapped like Mammie when you have sex. You like  the way her pretty, natural hair looks, well you’re going to have to suffer visual turn-offs from time to time, as they are necessary to maintain natural Black girl hair.

If you don’t call her bourgeois, she won’t expect you to pump her gas. Conversely, if you don’t call her ghetto, she won’t embarass you with her loud mouth in public. Women love to be provoked because they like attention. Just be mindful of the kind of attention you incite.

If you don’t tell her you’re going to be somewhere at a certain time, she won’t expect you to be there at the time you said. Women take everything that you say VERY literally.

If you don’t act like a woman, she won’t call you one. Nobody likes a bitch.

If you don’t eat up every damn thing, she won’t use up all the toilet paper. We all consume different items at different levels. In the end, if you eat more than she does and she uses more TP, it will all even out.

If you don’t question who she’s hanging out with, she won’t go through your phone when you go to the bathroom. Birds of a feather flock together, and if you’re insecure about her stepping out, she’s probably feeling the same way.

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Mid-Year’s Resolutions

That’s right. Mid-year. I pride myself on being someone that’s ever-changing, ever-growing, and ever-evolving. I consider myself to be a balls to the wall, jump off the cliff and hope you can fly kind of gal. Needless to say, I’m a risk-taker. However, I don’t feel like I’ve grown, changed, or taken any risks in 2010, and frankly, I don’t like it. So, I’m pledging to do some things before the year ends and I’m left wondering what I could have been doing for the past 52 weeks of my life.

1. I will buy a condo.

2. I will choose a career?

3. I will attempt to finish old projects.

4. I will venture into new projects.

5. I will quit my damn job. Again.

6. I will wear matching underwear at least 4 days out of the week.

7. I will let my dog get some (Pit bull puppies for sale! Holla at a playa when you see me in the streets!)

8. I will stop drinking like a fish and cursing like a sailor.

9. I will finally get the hell in shape and work to make my body look like Ciara’s. Little booty and all.

10. I will make my bed. Every day. At least once a week.

11. I will commit to a dietary lifestyle and stick to it.

12. I will cook new things and cook more often.

13. I will read my Bible more and do more general research on various subject matter.

14. I will check my voicemail and return calls.

15. I will always keep in mind that I am the exception to the rule.

16. I will go to church at least once a week.

17. I will wrap my hair EVERY night.

18. I will take better care of my car.

19. I will save some money.

20. I will be nice(r).

22. I will volunteer.

23. I will take trips.

24. I will stop insulting the Africans, gays, greek fraternities/sororities, Mexicans, and ugly babies.

25. I will devote time every week to work on the muscles that are gonna make me the Michael Jordan of sex (It’s a shame that women can do this and don’t. I bet men would do dick-lunges if they thought it would make them better). 

26. I will pay off at least one bill every month.

27. I will take more pictures.

28. I will not buy shoes every time I get paid, no matter how fabulous or on sale they are.

29. I will write letters.

30. I will laugh as much as I can and love as much as I can.