Posts Tagged ‘ what grinds my gears ’

What Grinds My Gears: Got a Whole List

Whenever I’m unable to come up with a piece that I think is good enough to post to this blog, I go through the plethora of drafts to see if there’s anything common to all of them that I can use to write about. This time around, I had a lot of drafts about things that were bothering me at the time that I wrote them. Some old, some new, some here, some there. Anywho, behold my list of random things that grind my gears:

1. Thick girls. When are they going out of style? We non-plus-size, non-booty holders are ready to make a come-back!

2. Stores in the outlet mall that aren’t outlets. If I want regularly priced clothes, I’ll go to the regular mall.

3. Fast food employees that forget to put my sauce in the bag. Don’t forget the sauce for my chicken nuggets, or I’ll burn this place down.

4. Fat people who wear scrubs…….I’m judging you and so is the rest of the world.

5. Bartenders that ask for tips. I WAS going to leave you a tip on my credit card when I closed my tab, but now I’m just going to flip you a nickel, you greedy prick. In fact, I should crack your mofo forehead just for disrespecting me like that.

6. Bartenders that refuse to serve me because my California ID has a Maryland address. Lady, I will ruin your life tonight if you don’t fix that Jack and Coke like I asked you to. Word? The DMV wouldn’t print an ID like this? DO YOU WORK FOR THE CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES???

7. Female friends of my male roommate that would be in the bathroom in the morning when I’m trying to get ready for work. Ma’am, I need you to take your ho bath at home, I’m on a schedule here.

8. TSA officers that won’t let me take my non-liquid hair care products in my carry-on. Is this really a matter of national security, sir? You think I’m gonna grease somebody to death if they don’t give me command of the plane?

9. Humidity. I’m a Black girl with Black girl hair. The end.

10. People who chew with their mouths open and/or make noise when they eat.

11. Football season.

12. How the last half of my gas tank goes faster than a freshly broken twenty dollar bill.

13. Cat calls and lousy pick-up lines: “The color combination you have on would make good wedding colors.”

14. Children kicking and screaming, people coughing and sneezing, endless chatter, odorly elderly, sub-zero temperatures, overpriced snacks…….welcome to flight 556 with non-stop service to Los Angeles. 

15. My emotional rant during a black out this summer:

As if today couldn’t get any worse, the power just went out. No TV, no music, no phone charger. Just me alone with my thoughts. Scary. I often create distractions so I don’t have to focus on the things that take me out of my comfort zone, and to have them all stripped away without my consent has me feeling unglued. Sure there are other ways to occupy my time without the use of electronics, but all of the alternatives force me to think. Not to sound like the dumb-dumb who doesn’t wanna think and just wants to watch TV, but unfortunately for me, all I can think about is the one thing that I’m trying to escape. Even now as I’m writing, I’m subject to the captivity of my mind and what it can’t seem to stop talking about. How weird is that, considering this is supposed to be a way for me to constructively occupy my time and take my thoughts away from my troubles. Writing is therapeutic. Well, its supposed to be. I’m not feeling the healing. I’m feeling the manifestation of unwanted emotion. Its been about half an hour now, and I’m still without electricity. I’m still without power. No electricity. No power.

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What Grinds My Gears: Things I Do That Grind the Gears of Other People

Here is a very short list of things that I do that some find irritating, and others just find to be weird:

1. I brush my teeth in the shower. It’s just easier to do everything all at once in the same place when I’m getting ready for my day.

2. If my (soy) milk isn’t ice cold, I will pour it into a glass and stir about 3 cubes of ice in until it reaches the desired temperature. Then, I’ll throw the ice out, and put the milk into my cereal. If it’s not ice cold, I won’t eat it. In fact, I used to get so livid with my brother for leaving the milk on the counter while he ate his cereal, as opposed to putting it directly back into the refrigerator. Even if it only sat for 5 minutes, I would be pissed!

3. If I go to see a movie that starts after 10:00, I will surely fall asleep. It never fails. I’m just not a late night movie-watcher.

4. If I’m under the weather, I’m less than pleasant. In fact, I’m pretty nasty (not in a good way).

5. Like most women, I am over-analytical about most things, particularly those pertaining to the opposite sex.

6. I think about what I say after I say it. I have a pretty venomous tongue, and I come quick with it.

7. I absolutely HATE chocolate.

8. I’m obsessed with Carmex. It’s my life.

9. I always fall asleep on the phone. Doesn’t matter who I’m talking to, how serious the conversation is, or what it’s about. If I’m sleepy, I’m going to sleep.

10. When I’m nervous, I clear my throat a whole lot.

11. I would much rather lay still and let the man do all the work than get on top. In a perfect world, I would never be on top. Never. However, I understand that in order to be a productive participant in the experience, I must (sometimes) switch it up, and be good at it.

12. Apparently I have an annoying speaking voice. Others would argue differently. I think I do sound pretty weird on the phone though.

13. I’m a little needy. I don’t have any family within 3,000 miles and very few friends. So, I do tend to lean on some a little more than others. Sue me.

14. (A new development) It turns out that I can’t sit still to save my life. I’ve always known that I have a tendency to rock myself to sleep, but it’s been brought to my attention that I must have ADD. Whenever I’m sitting or laying (usually) for an extended period of time, I may shake my leg,  rock back and forth, or do some kind of windmill thing with my legs (not as retarded as it sounds). This is also evident when I’m eating. Eating makes me happy, and therefore makes me move…….and hum a tune 🙂

Why do these things bother others so much? I have no idea. They all seem to be pretty normal to me, but I’m sure the list goes on…….

What Grinds My Gears: Men With a Cold

 

For the life of me, I can’t understand why (some) men become so completely helpless when they’re under the weather. I’ve seen it over and over again. In their minds, something as simple as the common cold is the equivalent of being hit by a Mack truck. A recent conversation with a feverish friend:

Me: What’s wrong?

FF: I’m sick! I feel like shit!

Me: Yeah, I picked up on that when you called and texted me to tell me you feel like shit. What’s the matter?

FF: Dude, I’m dying! This is it! I’m knocking on the great door, I just hope God answers.

Me: Ok………what do you need?

FF: (whining) I don’t knooooowwww………

Me: Well, what’s wrong?

FF: I just feel like shit. Everything hurts. Feel my neck, I think  I have a fever!

Me: Yeah, you’re a little warm. Have you taken anything?

FF: No, what do I need?

Me: Well what else is wrong?

FF: EVERYTHING!!!

Me: Is your tummy upset? Are you vomiting? Are you aching? Headache? Have you eaten today?……..

FF: Yeah.

Me: (!) Yeah, what?

FF: I feel like I’m gonna throw up and my whole body hurts and it hurts to close my eyes because my eyelids are so hot and I almost fell out of my chair because I was too weak to stand up. I know I have a fever.

[Later, at the store (see What Grinds My Gears: Men at the Grocery Store)])

Me: You need some juice. If you don’t think you can hold anything down, you should get something light like soup, applesauce, crackers, something like that.

FF: I want oranges.

Me: ……………………….

FF: I’ll eat them, I promise. Can you hold my hand?

Me: No, I’m not going to hold your hand.

FF: Please?! It will make me feel better. Come on…(extends hand)

Me: I’m not holding your fucking hand, what else do you need?

FF: I’m sorry, I know I’m being difficult, please don’t be mad at me, I just really don’t feel good!!!

Me: Do you want me to grab the stuff so you can wait in the car?

FF: No, no, no. I’ll be ok. I can do it, but I feel like my legs are about to give out…….(Rocks back and forth as if he’s losing his balance)

Me: *SIGH!!!!!*

 

Even if we take pregnancy and childbirth out of the equation, if men had to deal with a fraction of the suffering that women have to go through, they’d never make it. Maybe I’d have more sympathy for guys who don’t feel so hot if they didn’t expect us to operate at our best, if not better when we’re ill. I was expected to help this very same Feverish Friend pack, clean, and move into his new apartment when I had the flu. And you know what? I did it! Without complaining, whining, or requiring attention. Do we get the same care and concern that they expect of us? No way, Jose. And somehow, we’re still able to function as productive superheroes. But alas, that’s just the way of the world, and I don’t see it changing in this lifetime. Or the next.

What Grinds My Gears: Men at the Grocery Store

You know what really grinds my gears? Men at the grocery store. There is nothing more painful than going along with a man to the grocery store. Correction, there is nothing more painful than going along with a man without a list to the grocery store. They don’t know where anything is! The worst part is that the most basic decisions become as involved as deciding how to explain to your 4-year old that you weren’t “hurting” mommy that night she came in to tell you about her nightmare. Tuna in water, or in oil? Creamy JIF or creamy Skippy? 12-pack of double rolls or 24-pack of single rolls?

(Sidebar: The TP debate is a rarity, because we all now that men only buy the 4-pack of TP which was positively created just for them, because no woman will ever buy a 4-pack of TP.)

Oh, and ladies, please do not attempt to make even the slightest suggestion, because you will surely be burned at the stake. You buy the same kind of bread, the same kind of milk, and the same kind of oranges every time you go to the store. WHAT THE HELL IS THERE TO THINK ABOUT?! What could you possibly be debating in your head? And why don’t you have a list?! Now we have to go from the dairy case for butter, skip 4 aisles to the cereal, over 3 more for the frozen waffles, back by the cereal because you forgot syrup, to the meat case for bacon, and then BACK to the dairy case for cheese. Did you really just spend an hour and a half in the grocery store, and come out with $23 worth of shit?! Somebody please feel me on this!